I am a fucking idiot. Fuck I could hardly have done much worse. The boyfriend of the co worker took me out to coffee at lunch and made a serious pass at me... I even went to his (THEIR) house and sat on his couch. Even though nothing happened-- he kind of looked down my shirt but I stopped him-- it SO looks like we hooked up. AND I acted SO guilty because I was so nervous of what I thought people were saying so I told the girlfriend that nothing happened in case rumors spread and now she is more suspicious bc she called him while we were in the house and he didn't pick up. FUCK!!!

Apparently I need to stop being such an attention-craved tease.

Oh my God. I'm adding to this post because I just realized that I CALLED THIS. Read the end of the second-to-last paragraph of yesterday's post.


"moody bitch, come back here"

First: what I ate. Skip it because I know you don't care.
--egg whites
--one string cheese and vegetables
--about 5oz white fish and steamed vegetables
--2/3 piece whole wheat bread with about 1T peanut butter
--about 1 1/2 T almond butter
--medium-sized salad with romaine lettuce, FEW bacon bits, sprinkle mozz cheese, handful-ish mixed nuts (loving the nuts today), raisins, handful or so pita chips (I'm out of croutons), lite ranch dressing
--1/2 cup sugar-free fat-free pudding
--2 sugar-free jellos
--lots of blueberries and grapes

Let's be serious; I could have done a WHOLE lot worse. Probably packed in the calories with all the nuts (they are some calorie-dense sons of bitches, let me tell you), but fuck it. Still could have done worse. At least I stayed away from sugar. Sugar is Evil.


Yes, I now respond to the name "moody bitch". What can I say, I deserve it. Today I am a moody bitch because I more or less threw a temper tantrum today about the fact that K is married. So today, nothing really happened that is easy to write about, but there is only so much that can go down at work. When I walked out of the room for the last time today, I literally expected sparks. I held his gaze just long enough that it was too long to not mean what we both meant it to mean, and the way he stared back let me know exactly what he was thinking about. It was so hot.

On another note, there are lots of others that are sort of in the picture now. Using initials gets way confusing, even to me, but B, 46-year-old attorney who thinks hes badass, definitely has been amping up the come-ons. And there's another guy, S, that apparently has a reputation for "liking the young ones". He didn't acknowledge my existence until... last week? Now he has my lunch (did he always?) and 90% of the time I glance at him, he is staring. Not creepily, though. Well maybe a little bit. Whatever, he's ruggedly hot. He can creepily stare if he wants. Last but not least, E, another attorney that is probably about my age (!!) has been making an effort to get my attention this week and last week. I feel like I have the upper hand with him because I'm not as attracted to him as he is to me. You can just sense these things. But he's still pretty cute and way fun. I kind of hinted at asking myself out today and he looked surprised and happy. So who knows where that could go. Oh one more: the boyfriend. Asked me half-jokingly to take a ride with him in his car at break today. Really, J?? Nevermind that you have a girlfriend that probably just SAW you hit on me. Honestly, I'd give HIM more of a chance of making a real pass at me than K.

Anyway, my hand is falling asleep so I'm going to go, but I have to say that the reason I was so frustrated, and will probably be frustrated again as soon as I come down from my food high, is: WHY is the ONE person I have the most chemistry with, that wants me as much or more as I want him, which is badly, MARRIED?!?! If he weren't married, he would definitely have asked me out with him. Absolutely.



k is back

Only got to see him twice though. while the day didn't exactly go how I planned, it probably ended up perfect because now he should just want to see me more than ever. When he did see me, once I walked past because he was with two other people (but I knew he saw me), then I passed him on the way out of a courtroom and just said "hey" and smiled as I walked past. he said, "hey, Having It Girl" and then called after me, "I know you missed me last week". I just turned and laughed as I kept walking. Didn't see him again after that. Even aside from K, today was a good day. I would write more but my nails are still wet and I haven't royally messed them up yet so I'm not going to press my luck. Painting one's nails takes way more patience than I possess.


know your role and shut your mouth*

*credits given to "The Rock", WWF wrestler of my brother's childhood admiration

While laying out today I remembered this little tidbit of knowledge that I acquired in the sixth grade, and wanted to share it.

This had been proving his love for me in the typical sixth grade way: singling me out in an end-of-school mud fight, pushing me, shoving me, teasing me. I thought he was cute. We "went out". This consisted of talking on the phone and carrying his school picture in my wallet. So eventually, as tends to happen to relationships of that kind, things went sour after a few weeks. I suspected that some of my popular "friends" had told him something nasty about me out of jealousy. I can tell you from experience, it's lonely at the top. So I was really annoyed, and during our argument on AOL instant messenger, I said something along the lines of, "don't worry about it, I think I just liked the attention anyway". In my mind, this wasn't SUCH a terrible thing to say. It was honest, and I was kind of proud of myself for being smart enough to figure that out. It was like I was getting over the relationship and making a personal discovery, all rolled into one. His reaction? Not so warm. To him, this made me a selfish, cold-hearted b**** because it was as though I had said I never liked him in the first place, and let's face it, he was pretty much right.

Moral of the story: girls think they need to say everything. They think that the answer to all problems is to TALK about it.


That needed it's own paragraph because it is so, so, so wrong. Both in romantic and platonic relationships, we often make the mistake of thinking that once we talk things out, confront the person, or just get things off our chests, everything will fall into place. In reality, some-- if not most-- of the time, it just leaves people feeling hurt and resentful. Also, it's not always a good thing to be smart. By that I mean that smart people tend to think things to death. It really doesn't matter WHY he broke up with you; he did it for a reason, and it's not up to you to figure him out. If he wants to come back, he will of his own accord, not because you figured it out and plotted the perfect move to get him back.

So just keep your mouth shut and think about other things. :)



My brother just took 25 minutes trying to put the gas thing in the cradle. Seriously I am trippppping whoa. Don't know where we are going but I need to not talk to anyone I might say something that I shouldn't. Need to stop trying to type. The buttons are so freaking small, shit.
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Afterthought: I wasn't actually tripping. I have two vices, alcohol and that other thing that you smoke but isn't cigarettes or cigars.

judge me

It's Thursday, so I'm going to consider it Friday.

Work has been a little more fun these past few days since I've made a new friend. She likes me (she really likes me!) and tells me all the crap that she hears floating around the office and we laugh about it since we both could care less. Let me tell you, you work in an office long enough with people like the ones I work with, and the talking-behind-backs starts to get to you. So, it's nice to have someone to joke around with and NOT talk about other people. Also, in K's absence, there are 2 1/2 guys I've been enjoying talking to. The half is kind of an ass so he didn't really deserve to be completely counted. It's funny because one of them, R, always calls me "trouble" and gives me a hard time like that. The funny part comes in because I think sometimes people perceive me as completely different than I am... for the past however-many years, I've been a total home body. I hid out, basically. So maybe it's the fact that I'm just starting to be happy with myself that's making me seem so outgoing (making me BE so outgoing, I suppose) and fun. I think I can venture that I seem fun from the way people act around me.

I'm kind of tired of writing about K, since the important thing and the reason I want to write is much less concerned with him and much more concerned with the changes I'm going through and the observations I make along the way. With that said, I need to say that NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between us. I AM human, however and therefore subject to the same facets of human nature as everyone else, including desire. So go ahead and judge me-- just keep in mind that it is far easier to judge a stranger than to try to understand where they're coming from. That's all-- naptime! :)


allow me to explain

My pinky nail is still black. I swear it's gotten more disgusting every day since I slammed it in a door at work like 2 weeks ago. Gross.
On the bright side, I made an appointment for my first ever brazilian bikini wax today. I'm stoked.

Since I'm a lazy ass today, I thought I'd waste some more time and talk about my favorite subject as of late-- K. The realist in me tells me that worst [best?] case scenario, he just wants sex and best [worst?] case scenario, he's just having fun flirting and doesn't want or expect anything more.
Here's what I do know: He checks me out every time he sees me. He flirts with me and tries to be near me as much as possible. He is married. We work together. We aren't ever alone at work [that SUCKS]. He is fucking gorgeous. What I don't know: What he wants from me. If he is willing to cross that line. What he considers crossing the line. How old he is.

I'm guessing what he wants is complicated. The KING of cop-out words. Screw complicated! I know what I want! I want him to take me out, pretend his wife doesn't exist, and have some fun! No sex though; TALK about complicating things. He just has to kiss me so that he can see that it's really not complicated at all. He is beautiful, I am hot and on my way to beautiful, we have amazing chemistry! That's it!

See how much easier it is when you're dealing with a smart girl? ;)

what i eat

every day:
Breakfast: plain scrambled egg in pan with olive or coconut oil
Lunch: bell peppers and cheese
Dinner: lean meat or fish and vegetables--usually sauteed

came up with this while brushing my teeth

It is sung (cheerily) to the tune of "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family". If you don't know the Barney song, you don't deserve to live. No but really, if you don't know it, you spent your childhood in a cave.

I want K,
K wants me,
It sucks that he is married!
With a great big ring,
And the longing for a kiss--
Swear I'm not a home-wrecking bitch!

I'll be signing off on the copyright any day now.



the sun never sets on a badass

My ipod is frozen. And I thought only computers were supposed to freeze?!

Last night was a shit show... hilarious. I don't really feel like writing all about it but I will say that we went to a place where the wait staff are assholes to you, and everyone just throws things at you and there was live music and karaoke (let's not talk about that last one). Like I said, shit show. Our waiter was hilarious though, and kept picking on me, instead of my thinner and gorgeous friends. We got lots of cute pictures that you'll just have to imagine, thanks to our lovely society that breeds far too many internet creepers. At some point in the night we decided it'd be fun to ride around in a super stretch limo, too. Bad ass.

One annoying part of the night: girls are bitches. Actually, one of my best friends is a bitch. I don't really have to go into detail, but I've known she was a bitch since we became best friends, and sometimes it bugs me more than others. Still, fantastic night overall.

K won't be at work this week, but he told me it'll only be one week this time :). Whatever, there are plenty of hot attorneys to look good for anyway. But let's be serious, I'll save my best man-catching outfits for next week.


i think my perfume is making me lightheaded

I got ready to go out way too early. Going downtown tonight to celebrate.... wait for it.... my BIRTHDAY! The actual date wasn't today but it kind of creeps me out to say my birthday on here.

I wish I had some really deep thoughts to share, but in addition to getting ready too early, I put on a little too much perfume. It smells fantastic though-- Lacoste Inspiration. Good stuff, in slightly smaller quantities. Oh there is one thing I want to say. I was reminded last night of an incident that happened a while back. I have a friend/acquaintance who makes the age-old mistake combination of drinking way too much and wearing far too little. On top of that, she acts in a fashion that tells guys that they can do what they want if she just has a little more to drink.

Getting to the point. we were all at a house party, everyone was drinking, and she was shacked up in a room with a guy that we all knew. People thought the match was an odd one (he's more the socially awkward, funny guy in the group), but laughed and thought nothing of it. Come to find out, she had been passed out when he came into the room... in the cab on the way home, she kept insisting that she didn't remember. Denial? The point that I'm making is, girls have to be careful no matter who they're with or where they are. It's not sexist. It's fact. Especially when drinking large quantities of alcohol, around other people who are doing the same.

Everything turned out okay. But who's to blame? No one will really know the whole story. Did she tell him to meet her in the room, or did he even do it? Girls: don't be a drunk mess. Guys: don't be a sleazy asshole.

Happy Saturday!



I need to stop lusting after my married man. You know you need to get a hobby when you are out at night and not only lusting, but emailong a blog entry about it. Shit.
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wanting more

GOD he's sexy. K, that is. He walked by at lunch without seeing us, and L (coworker) started going on about how hot and great he is. No lies, he is way gorgeous. SO flirty today. I almost can't believe he really wants me that badly-- I mean I still have at least two sizes to go before I'm truly happy with my body.

He's just gotten a lot more forward. Like he touches me any chance he gets; pushes up against me, nudges me, stands in my way. And the way he LOOKS at me. Ahhhh it is all just too fun. From the way he acted today... I don't know if maybe he'll ask me out sooner or later after all. Back to work. Love my life.

why men like younger girls

When women get older, they tend to say to themselves, "I'm too mature to play games", or, "we've both been around the block a few times, there's no need to play around" or things like that. They forget that men don't change just because the women become jaded. Younger girls still know that it's all about the chase. It's not just that they appear more youthful, it's that they act more youthful. They flirt. They are hard to get because they are young and beautiful-- and if they're not beautiful, they act like it and therefore are.


grief, compulsivity and a healthy dose of introspection

I feel like my life is one of those pinball machines right now, and instead of one metal ball there's like seven pinging around and knocking things down and going in every direction. I'll try to summarize, I guess.

I want to first say a few things about the strange creature that is grief. My parents put my childhood best friend to sleep today. My very first initial reaction was something like shock; I think I almost laughed. Then I sobbed and had that pit-of-the-chest pain at the realization that my DOG was GONE. Is gone. I laid down and tried to nap and wanted to be left alone immediately, but I could hardly even close my eyes much less sleep. Now this may have been due largely to the four cups of coffee I've taken to having in the morning, but I also think it says a little bit about my character. I got up and decided that they should start looking for a new puppy, and focused my attention at the new task. It was like, once I had that initial breakdown, I had dealt with reality, and I wanted to move forward as wholly and quickly as possible. At dinner, when I realized that I truly was not sad about the loss of my doggy, I started to wonder if there was something a little wrong with me, but I've given some thought to it and reminded myself that my entire life I have been extremely empathetic (as a child, I would cry when I saw a dead animal in the road) and compassionate, and certainly I have had plenty of emotion to go around. I think it's just that I did know it was coming, and I had actually thought earlier today about talking to my parents about finally putting him down. He's been really sick for the last few months; these past few weeks have been increasingly painful, even for us to watch. He could hardly get up once he was lying down.

What I'm getting from all of this is that different people really do react differently to grief. While I admittedly ate more than usual before dinner, I was still probably under 1000 calories for the day, and after dinner I went on another long grueling bike ride, followed by a 30 or 40 minute rollerblade session (take that, over-expensive gym membership that I can't afford). I actually just got back from rollerblading and I feel amazing.

I mentioned yesterday that I used to be a compulsive eater. I've realized that, perhaps due to my past pattern of destructive eating, I do have compulsive tendencies in other aspects of my life. Like the way I worked out for about an hour to an hour and a half because I ate some extra almonds, a banana, and had a big salad instead of plain fish and vegetables for dinner.

I feel the need to help you understand the full significance of my compulsivity so I'll help you out here by drawing up a picture of how I probably would have reacted to doggy's death a few years ago: once I got over my initial grief, I would have started munching in much the same way I actually did today. I had a few almonds, and realized how truly hungry dieting has made me become. However, in the past, instead of eating a banana and sitting down to relax and re-hinge my jaws, I would just keep eating. And eating. And EATING. I do not exaggerate when I say that I would eat 5,000 calories or more within the span of a few hours. Keep in mind, I am 5'2" and should be eating around 1,300 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. Writing all this down reminds me of how far I really have come. It's been years since I started eating like that, and a few years since I felt that emptiness that I thought only food could fill. Still, I don't think I will ever REALLY understand what made me do it. And trust me, I've spend a LOT of time trying to figure out why I would intentionally fuck up a (nearly) perfect life.

Shit I'm rambling. I guess I don't have a whole lot more to say, other than the fact that I do still feel a tad bit guilty for eating that extra stuff at dinner-- a tribute to my old guilt from the not-so-golden-days. Oh, also, K is sexy. I didn't get up the balls to ask him to eat lunch with me today but he did flirt a lot with me. The best part was when I was standing close to him he came up behind me and like pushed against me with his arm. It's shockingly difficult to explain these little things that feel like such a big deal at the time. Anyway, if the first time he brushed up against me was accidentally-on-purpose, this time it was on purpose-on purpose, like a cute way of saying hey. I pushed back. It was cute. I've pretty much accepted that nothing will happen though. So don't get your hopes up, my dutiful non-existent audience. Life is still good though. Also, I have lost a full three sizes. Hoping to be down five sizes in total by the time fall rolls around.

better (and thinner)

Life is good again. Oh, how I love mood swings. I'm outside on break and it is seriously 300 degrees out.

Went for a 40 minute bike ride and ten minute walk last night after eating egg beaters, a piece of cheese and red peppers and tilapia and broccoli the whole day. Oh and a few spoon fulls of sugar-free fat-free pudding.

I used to be a compulsive eater. That's how I got fat in the first place and put myself in the position of having to lose a shit ton of weight to look good again. Just throwing that out there. Peace.



CRABBY! Raise your hand if you've been pissed, and known you shouldn't be so pissed, and that makes you even more pissed.

Someone should write a book on how to seduce a married man. I would read it. Unfortunately something tells me it wouldn't quite make the bestseller list.


I really need to stop obsessing. He's fucking married. Married. I've noticed that he really doesn't try to hide the ring either. Maybe he even makes it obvious on purpose. But I don't know what the motivation would be there because the flirting is more from him than me so its not like he's somehow trying to tell me to back off.

UGHHH I am also way too upset about him leaving for a while (how long??? It would have taken too much intelligence to ask that) next week. And about his not making a move or some semblance of one.

I am way out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't even know what to do if he WEREN'T married. Wtf do I do now that I know he is? I really just want to kiss him.... Ok well... I wouldn't have sex with him. Absolutely not. Fuck! This sucks but its so great at the same time. Why is he so sexy?? (And old... And married... Fuck!)

Fuck my life. I need a new one.


my feet are crying

I could do three things right now:
1. go to the mall and return a shirt
2. go for a run
3. make dinner.
I need to do at least one of the three, but my feet are fucking screaming at me from those damn red wedges that looked so cute with my black and white outfit today. SHIT, son, I need some asprin. Then let's face it, probably a nap.

hypocrisy continued

After chilling in the bathroom for far too long I I anticipated the awkwardness when I came out of the bathroom after like 20 minutes. SO continuing where I left off.

B said something to me about how he was never going to get laid again since he couldn't get the fake wedding ring off, and I was like: or more than ever, depending on what kind of girls you're looking for. Despite the fact that we had touched on this idea earlier when other people were around,
B: well, what would you do?
Me: what do you think? (as in, what do you take me for)
B: I don't know
Me: i'm too classy for that... i don't mess with married guys.
So THAT is why I am almost a hypocrite. Also let me say that B has been shamelessly flirting with me the past few days. I probably shouldn't enjoy it as much as I do (B is pretty cute and the player/badass attitude makes up for what he lacks) since he's 46 and I am definitely NOT 46.

I kind of want to make a new post but I won't. Today was a great day for many reasons.
1. K accidentally-on-purpose brushed up against me.
1.1 K is definitely definitely attracted to me.
1.2 He is beautiful.
2. Supervisor introduced me to a judge today and I had a long conversation with him.
2.1 He has done everything in law-- prosecution, defense, judge, some type of clerking and was willing to share his experiences with me.
2.2. He treated me like I am pretty and going places in life. i.e: now I am smart AND pretty.
2.3 He then introduced me to the chief judge who was also very friendly and open.
3. B more or less hit on me.
4. I managed to keep my red wedges on all day despite major blisterage toward the end.
5. I got mad exercise going up and down those escalators (I walk) and the halls from courtroom to courtroom
6. I am great.

i am a hypocrite, almost

First of all I have to commend myself for sneakily bringing my purse to the bathroom since I'm at work and we're not allowed to have phones. The thing is, no one can stop me because I can always say I had feminine products in my purse. That's probably what people think anyway. Or I could say makeup. Whatever. On with my real point.

Bis an attorney (hahah someone came in here and I had to pretend to be chilling in my stall. Ew.). So I see B all the time but he recently just started talking to me. Surprise surprise-- I just went down like 2 pant sizes. Anyway he was wearing a wedding ring to appear more credible to the jury and I was giving him shit for it, and Kate (coworker) said he should wear it to bars and start hitting on girls. He said something to me later in the conversation after the other people left about never getting laid again because the ring was stuck on --- I have to finish this story later its taking way too long.


to anyone in authority: this is just a joke

Didn't know what to put for the subject... Also I love my brother. Even though I may hate him sometimes, he comes through. I may or may not be toasted and that's hard to convey through text so I just came out and said it. Hope the police can't somehow track me down and I'm not being paranoid, I probably shouldn't write illegal things in here. OH I just thought up a good subject. Also note how correct my typing is-- that is conscientiousness, ladies and gentlemen. Holy crap that's a long word. Bye.

ok, SO he's married

Things could be worse. I asked him how much he's missed me and he said, "a lot... I couldn't sleep at night.". Obviously he said it in a flirty way, like to show that he was kidding-- mostly. Then I had to leave and I told him that I'd be back and he said, "I hope so". SO fun. Married schmarried. Just kidding-- mostly. Ha.

kind of a letdown

Shit. K, My favorite flirtation is married. I'm 99 percent sure I saw the flash of a wedding ring. That was compounded with the fact that he wasn't quite as friendly today. I'm attributing that to the fact that I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and I'm way hotter than when I last saw him. So I'm thinking he was feeling guilty for being attracted to me, ergo: not as friendly.


On break at work listening to the song handlebars by flobots. Its badass. I like it. I also Iike how hot I look today and how so many guys notice that I look hot. I've lost a ton of weight and I'm gonna keep going until I'm back to a size four. If I'm hot at size ten (yes, I said it. I'm a ten... Ha... Double entendre?), I can't wait to literally stop men in their tracks when I'm a four again.

I was talking to my brother about appearances yesterday. He's all about appearance. He'll tell you its everything. I partially agree. Because I'm pretty, I'll go farther in life. But that's because of the confidence and attitude that go with being pretty. In my opinion its like the icing on the cake... but not really. Maybe its like the outside of a house. Probably a bad analogy because I just came up with it now but think about it: you wouldn't give a second glance to a house with torn siding, but you'd probably be willing to give a beautiful brick house with a curved walkway and pretty yard more of a chance even if the kitchen wasn't as big, or the basement wasn't finished.

Enough analogies. All I'm saying is, the first impression determines a lot about the relationship (personal, professional, whatever), and the first impression and appearance are one and the same. Back to work-- but not before I fix my hair.



Whoever said pale is the new tan never noticed how much better they looked with a tan.

perfect day

There is not a cloud in the sky. Its not too hot and I am soaking in the rays because you can never be too tan. Whoever said pale is the new tan was lying.

I love summer.


Now that I'm getting pretty pretty again I ought to remember how to make the most of it. I think I'll go to the bookstore and see if there's anything on flirting.


first post


I'm sitting on the train on my way home from the City and the guy sitting next to me just got up. He reeked of pot and it made me really want to smoke but that just reminded me that I have no one to smoke with. Which maybe should make me more upset than it does. He also didn't look at me. The whole time, not a glance. He pretended to be busy with his blackberry the entire time. I won't take that as an insult or a compliment to my level of attractiveness. My birthday is imminent and as of yet I have no plans. Thanks, best friends. You really know how to come through in the clutch. I'm not as bitter as I sound. Really. I'll just chill and people watch until my stop is called. Its about twenty seconds later and I'm laughing on the inside because I just saw the manager of the pool I worked at for four summers. I'm able to maintain my amusement only because she didn't see me. It didn't end well.

Debating calling this thing "pretty" instead of "having it". I wanted to put thing in quotes because I can't decide if its a blog or a book or journal or just a piece of shit that no one will read. Keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be the last one. Yesterday when I realized that I have to do SOMEthing with my thoughts, I entertained the idea of a blog but now I'm leaning towards trying to make it into a novel or at least a book. "It" being all the stuff inside my head that pounds against it and makes me cry because I NEED to do something MORE. I'm hoping this will help me figure things out. Also hoping even more so that its interesting to someone besides me and probably my mom. I say probably because she zones out a lot when I try to explain complex things. I think she and I are just not the same brand of smart and that's not meant as an insult. This is a long ass paragraph and I'm making a bunch of typos.