a break from Tom, at least

At a pre-wedding party, fun and people are friendly. Slightly drunk on 4 beers since all I really need in life is sun and substance. There is a cute guy here who is 24! That is the good news. He is married. That is the bad news.

I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want to be a broken record anymore =(.
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a break from Tom, at least

At a pre-wedding party, fun and people are friendly. Slightly drunk on 4 beers since all I really need in life is sun and substance. There is a cute guy here who is 24! That is the good news. He is married. That is the bad news.

I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want to be a broken record anymore =(.
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new beginnings?

I'm going to Florida tomorrow for-- guess what!-- another wedding, and hopefully some relaxation time too. I'm thinking it'll be good for my psyche, and my unrequited lust for Tom. Ugh, don't want to think about it but I've got to put the options out there for why he would have ignored me, arranged from best to worst. Let me know which you think it is.

1. He couldn't come up with anything clever to say
2. He was distracted
3. He's just not as excited to see me anymore and doesn't think about it one way or the other
4. He subconsciously noticed that I was looking fatter and wasn't as turned on
5. He's no longer into me
6. He's never really been into me

I'm gunning for 1, obviously, but I'm nervous that it's one of the others (Please not four!) and I have a bad feeling that it's 3 =(.


i am pathetic

He basically ignored me today, and walked out with that bitch from my office, in front of me. I want to cry.
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from The Rules

Rule #23: Don't Date a Married Man
"We are not big advocates of therapy, but we believe it would be worth $125 an hour to find out why you would do this to yourself."
"Never sit around dreaming about him or you might end up acting on your thoughts."

I'm thinking "Confessions of a Hypocrite" for the title to my book.

three things

1. I had my underwear on backwards all day today.

2. I am reading Lolita, and Brad saw me reading it and teased me about not finishing books. I said, "I'm going to finish it."
Brad: "Or, we could act it out."
Me: "Except I'm not twelve." I gave him a look.
Brad: "Well, how old was the guy?"
Me: "I don't know, thirty-eight."
Brad: "See? It'd be the same thing."
...and he's at it again. He also asked me to flash him while I was at the front desk. Gooood one.

3. My dad has been passed out drunk since five p.m.


My Auntie Rose arrived in town today and I am fairly certain that I am going to die.

In other news, I am a cow. Struggling to understand why it is that I want to go off my diet on days that I get hit on. Ate four granola bars (why?) and a bagel with cream cheese in addition to a cookie from the batch that I found in the freezer and decided to throw in the oven-- no burns this time! What else. Oh a diet fudgsicle and a popsicle. This in addition to dinner. Awesome.

I do have a story about a new potential boy though, who's name is Nate. I used to work as a hostess at a restaurant when I was 16 or 17, and had a huge inappropriate crush (shocking though that may seem) on one of the servers who was like 22 or 23. Well guess who came to my counter to pay a ticket today! I was like, wait-- did you work at Restaurant? And he was like, yeah, years ago... etc etc. Pretty sure he didn't remember me but that's fine, it was just a flirtation that could never be.
BUT now it is totally not inappropriate anymore, and he is still way cute! My boss was around when I was talking (she later told me she thought he was cute) but he did give me his card and it was out of the blue. The thing is, it just has his phone number and website on it, no email address. I don't want to call him-- just on principle, but I also feel like texting is a little juvenille. Maybe I'll just facebook him, bahaha. This does seem to be a recurring theme though; during the school year I reconnected with a past inappropriate flirtation-turned more-appropriate semi-relationship. Not that I'm saying that this would ever be a relationship. Nonono.

Carmex is great.

Remember to ask Tom: can you get a ticket for not having your hands on the steering wheel?



I have my hair back and am wearing my glasses (forgot to disinfect my contacts, whoops) and one guy gave me his card, the other asked for my number. Maybe the day is looking up.
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this sucks

I hate my job this summer. The limited way in. which Tom and I are able to interact is NOT enough. I am always flanked by evil bitches who listen to other peoples conversations, and Tom is important and busy and has actual work to do when he comes into the office.

Last summer it was like I was in control bc I ran around and he never knew when he would see me. Now he has all the power and I can't change that. He knows he'll see me whenever he comes into the clerks office (I'm a judicial clerk). Saw him today and said a whole lot of nothing; he mostly talked to the girl behind me about some stupid case from yesterday. At least she's not cute.

I'm feeling very hopeless. I was fantasizing giving him my number before, but I know that I shouldn't. I just don't know what else I can do to get him to make a move. So sad. I even have a date tomorrow and I could care less. All I want is Tom.
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girls are idiots, and other observations

When I was a freshman in high school, a friend and I snuck out during a sleepover and met up with some sophmore boys. We ended up sneaking into the basement of one of the boys, and as there were three boys and two girls, one of the boys got bullied into "having to go home." Since my friend liked one of the two that were left, I ended up with the other one. We made out and he palmed my butt through my jeans while the other two almost kissed on the other side of the room. Did I even like my guy? Not really. *addendum: I am not and was not a ho.*
At youth group the next week, I saw my boy talking to one of my more backstabbing-inclined girl friends, and wrote him off since he didn't talk to me at all that night. Why did it not occur to me that he was probably talking to her about me? Anyway, I liked the backstabber girl (Jamie)'s boyfriend, so I was otherwise distracted.
On Valentine's day a few weeks later, a bunch of us went out to dinner. The boy I had kissed brought chocolates, but was a little awkward about giving them to me, and I made it infinitely more awkward by not accepting them. After all, I wanted Jamie's boyfriend. So I spent the night flirting with the one who was taken, and the boy shared the chocolate with everyone. We want what we can't have. Period.

If I were to do something with Tom, the motives would be completely mutual. He probably wants to hook up with me to prove to himself that, at 36, he can still get a hot young girl. The thing is, I'm fine with that because I really just want to hook up with him to prove to myself that I can get a hot older guy. I went through enough years of eating disorder and weight gain and a debilitated self-esteem that I sort of feel like being with him would be the final confirmation that: I am okay. I can be myself again.

Unsure as to why I am so smooth in my interactions with Tom. My emotional maturity and level of experience with men dictates that I should blurt out "I HAVE A BLOG ABOUT YOU" when I see him, but somehow, I keep it cool and keep him interested. Instinct, maybe? The female knows how to attract the male so that he wants to bang her, aka procreate? Thoughts?

I think that I am obsessed with image. This occurred to me today when I was driving to work and it was overcast but not super dark or anything, and about half the cars on the road had their lights on. I don't have automatic lights, and deliberated over whether the nicer cars had them on because they had automatic lights or whether there was any correlation. I thought way too much about how having my lights on would make me look. Is this sad? Hint: the answer is YES. And since you're dying to know, yes, I did turn my lights on.


so great!

Actually I don't have anything that great to share but I'm feeling sort of funny; for some reason the title makes me laugh. Some random thoughts:

--I realized, after examaning my cousin's tattoos this weekend, that I could never ever get a tattoo. I've known this for a while, really BuT the things is, I can't even commit to a nail polish color. What made me think I could ever commit to a tattoo for my Entire Life?
--Watched two television shows tonight and feel somewhat like a vegetable. I think I feel about television the way a lot of people feel about beans. For the most part, you can take them or leave them. It is only on rare occasions that they truly satisfy.

A stranger told me that I was pretty today. "A pretty one," he said. Sure, he was overweight and probably underloved, but he was really just a big sweetie So I took the compliment, sans-creeped-out-aftermath.

Saw Tom again today, which was a nice surprise since I haven't seen him the past few Mondays (one more reason Mondays usually suck). We didn't really get to talk though since I was really busy all day. He did catch my eye and "yell" at me to get back to work. I swear he is fifteen years old. Maybe that's why I like him (I am secretly thirteen). Oh, Tom. You are so fantastic.

Great word alert: "welp." It's lodged itself in my head, and it's quite funny to say to yourself our out loud in appropriate situations. For example:
In an uncomfortable dinner-date: Welp, I'd better get home, I have to be up early for work tomorrow.
When speaking to your grandfather: Welp, I suppose I'll become a freelance artist, or a car mechanic.
That's all I've got.


the one left at home

My little brother didn't come to the wedding, and my father said, "you know he'll be having a big party tonight." I wonder if when I don't come to things they say "you know she'll be eating the contents of the refrigerator tonight."
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hold me, hold me 'cause I wanna get higher and higher

$y younger cousin is getting married tomorrow. I feel old(?). But I'm not old at all-- she is very young. Should be fun though, tonight is fun. Love family, love weddings. This one is very laid back. They seem happy so that should be enough, I suppose. I just think its a little unnecessary since they're both still in college, but who am I to say.

I sound bitter and I'm not at all. Just need to remind myself that I needn't marry anytime in the near future; I am still young and in no hurry!
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My mom just said "for shizzle."

I said, never say "for shizzle" again.
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so funny


I'm back! And I have some good news, and some good news.
1. I am writing a book. YAY
2. Now, it is all about TOM. Remember him from last summer? I do. Sexiest man alive? Probably not. Does that make a difference? Not in the slightest.

I'm working at the same place but doing some different things so the context in which I see people is much much different. Now I am working mostly with defendants so the attorneys that I see are not as plentiful, but that's okay since I still see the most important one ;).

This is a tad random but I'm a little torn since I started writing in a "real" journal and I do still want to keep that up, but this is too much fun, and when I went back to read the past stuff for material for my book, I had to share the new lovely updates on my life. So, I suppose I'll have to think on that a little.

I've seen Tom quite a bit since I've been back for the summer, but only one real conversation. But that conversation was quite telling since one of the first things he said (after asking me how my school was-- he remembered where I went!) was, "You've been thinking about me all the time?" and naturally since I have no control over what comes out of my mouth when I am around him, I just grinned and said, "Yep." Honestly, my voice is its own entity. I just tag along behind it and hope I can patch up the damage. We went on to have probably the longest conversation that we've ever had (read: less than five minutes) and in that conversation, he brought up how he was, loosely quoting here, "working a lot, gotta make the money" or something. I realized that he's brought up money at least twice, and that isn't really normal. Maybe he's trying to impress me with his important lawyer-ness? I don't know. I should probably find it tacky, but let's be serious, I really just want him and a little bit of tacky isn't going to get in the way.

Another time, Tom made a genuine effort to talk to me-- something he hasn't really done before since we always just crossed paths coincidentally-- but it was sort of perfect because I was busy helping defendants and by the time I was free, someone came to relieve me for break. Let's call it "accidental hard-to-get." So great.

Also: cute, young (my age!! this never happens!) guy came in and was joke-complaining about the money he had to pay. He said, I could be taking you out on a date with that." I am hot. Well, getting there. Too bad I came home and snacked through dinner. It wasn't really a binge-- I think I am just tired of bingeing to be honest. It's almost like I no longer have the will to committ to my eating disorder anymore. Which sounds so messed-up, I suppose because it is? In any case, peanut m&ms, two granola bars, chocolate-covered graham crackers and a pital with jelly is not such a fantastic dinner. At least now I'm done, I guess. I really need to not be so lazy and just cook. We'll see how that works out.

Have missed you all! Hopefully everyone hasn't written me off for not writing in about nine years!

Have also decided that this summer, things are happening. I am too tired of NOTHING coming of ANY of my semi-relationships. Shit is going down. Buckle your seatbelts.


let's play catch-up

I suppose it was pretty ridiculous of me to post that long ass entry and not give any real explanation as to my life these past few months. I wish there were more to tell, however, but I said a lot of it even in my inebriated state.

As for Mark, it ultimately came down to a difference in beliefs. He was VERY strongly into his religion, and for him it was actually even more than a religion; it was a whole culture. While we were definitely able to connect on an intellectual and even emotional level, his upbringing led him to feel guilty for even thinking about sleeping with me, which made the relaonship hard for both of us since there was such a physical attraction. And even though he said he didn't judge me for the decisions I made (drinking, swearing once in a while, etc), it created a tension between us that may have only been in my head but I just had this underlying feeling that somehow he thought I wasn't good enough for him... well, no... but that's the only way I know of saying it. So all in all, we sat down and had a mature discussion that I knew was coming, and claimed to want to both stay friends which I knew wouldn't be likely, and I've talked to him twice since we ended things a little less than a month ago.

That being said, I don't regret being with him; I still think he is a fantastic human being, but I am sure that he will find a girl that shares his beliefs and make her very happy someday. And by someday I mean soon, since he is definitely on that track. IF you know what I mean.

Since then, I've started talking to an ex (not really an ex because we never REALLY dated, but whatever) of mine that I hadn't kept in touch with over the last few years... he is only six years my senior, and that's more okay now that we're both a little older. We were hanging out when I was just a little young for it to be considered OK. His name is Brian. He's not near me at school, but we've been talking on the phone a lot since he randomly sent me this pretty intense text along the lines of, "I know this is random and you might not want to even talk to me but I'm scared that you might be the best thing to happen to me." I'm a little scared that maybe I shouldn't have responded because he seems to be falling for me all over again, and I'm not ready to be serious with anyone right now. Yikes.

Oh I should also say that the stuff about Tom was true; actually everything I wrote was true, including my attraction for Tom... I don't know if I said this, but it's definitely still there. Or it was when I saw him last month.

Whoops, gotta go eat! Have a great week, everyone =)


guess what / (added this later when still of the same mind) SORRY!!!

I'm hammered. Mark and I are DONEZO. That sucked but it was done about a month ago and i hven't been on here in maybe 4 months.

went back to work over christmas and got hit on by hot man again... i think i called him Tom? let's be serious those names were fake. so he said some really fantastic things and i'm determined to be able to type them even if it takes me 40 mins.

Me: so you missed me?
Tom: (dead serious) yeah, I dreamed about you day and night, don't tell my wife.
Me: [what else?] laughed
Tom: so you exceited to go back?
Me: yeah, you know me... (sarcastic sort of)
Tom: oh you're gonna be at the bars... dancing naked on the tables?
[something to that extent I am trulry more wasted than I have been all year (It's January 23rd I think so that's a pretty long year so far) but please forgive me. This is probably the worst I've been since I wrote this shit in the summer.

BY THE WAY: please tell me why hot older men LOVE ME. I DON'T GET IT. honestly. they want me and they are fucking old and not accptable well sometimes they are but still why can't I find a nice unmarried grad student who is not 40+ and married?1//1/!/1/ I swear I'm hot and normal and actually quite funny. Shit this post is a mess GOOD THING you don't know who I am in real life shitttt son.

WOW I missed this stuff. LOVE YOU ALL. Sorry For being such a mess/ waste of life. I really do love yo uall that read me. Honestly. If there are any of you left.

I was going to make a post but I decided to figure out all over again how to rough it and edit a post. I look like Audrey Hepburn! Well not really look like but I "remind" THREE PEOPLE of her. not one, not two, but THREE people. And only one of them was a woman. I'll go ahead and presume that as a good thing. But the thing Is, I am classy. And a bit of a ditz. But smart, honestly (I mean I'm in grad school and went to a damn good undergrad) and pretty? and brunette. and not QUITE sure of what I want from life but it seems pretty determined to figure that out all on its own.

ENOUGH. I might possibly be gettting drunker and that is a BAD thing. SEE YA please comment I mean it's only been 8 1>2 years since i've posted I have no idea if anyone cares about my messed up life!


i am dumb

True Life: I'm Dating a Mormon. Called Mark him tonight, about forty-five mins ago. He didn't answer and I just finished this huuuge assignment so I needed to relax, so I took a hit. So I'm rolling along nicely, grooving to some quality music, and he calls back. Can I answer? No. Why? He thinks I am an angel. It's probably not a good sign that he doesn't know an entire side of me (that does NOT go along with his morals). I haven't lied-- I promise-- but I also haven't told him that I go out to bars, I occasionally get drunk, and I am recently becoming a stoner in my spare time.

It's just that, when I'm with him, I'm SO myself in all the other ways. So it's not like I'm faking anything... he likes the good in me. I just wish I knew he would accept the bad. And that he wasn't Mormon. Oh well, guaranteed not to get too serious! ...I should love that, right?


why I am a guy... that or an asshole's dream come true

Because posting is so much more fun than studying :)

First of all, I postponed my date with Mark until Wednesday, since I ended up having to lock myself in my room to study for pretty much the entire weekend. I basically had my own little private freak-out session; it was thrilling.

But all this studying, for some reason, only makes me think more about the things that need analyzing in my life. Like, for example, why I am always attracted to older, often times married, men. I sort of decided that it's because at this point in my life, I'm not ready to settle down yet (i.e. get married), and so I don't really see the point in anything serious or faux-serious because what's the point. And I think I've bitched enough to demonstrate that my life is ridiculously busy; I honestly feel like I don't have time for a relationship. Ergo, my attraction to men that are pretty much guaranteed to not want anything more than a fling/ physical connection from me. Basically, I'm a guy. I want the physical aspect without being tied down or being held accountable to anyone. At least at this point in my life. I want the sparks without the ball and chain, so to speak. But no, I do not sleep around. Yes I can have my cake and eat it, too.

four things thing

Four Times Meme:

Instructions: Copy/paste the meme into your blog, type in your answers and tag four people on your lists! Don't forget to change my answers to your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: campus for class, the library, my best friend's apartment, little bagel place/coffeshop.

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: SPAM-- mostly from my school; my advisor (okay, this is getting sad...), my mother, Evan

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, my little bagel/coffeshop, a great sushi place two blocks from me, Chili's (sad, I know)

(D) Four places you'd rather be: in my amazingly comfortable bed, the Bahamas, Italy, anywhere with Tom...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: WEEDS, Friends, Sex and the City... I don't have time for TV? I guess I'll stick to the rules and throw in Grey's Anatomy.

(F) Four people I think will respond: Sass Accidentally Me treespotter The Diva on a Diet

shoot! I don't know how to put links in here... help?


oh, the nerdiness of my school

Overheard on campus:
Guy standing in a group of young-looking girls: well, I think we need to draw up some linear regressions for that.
[Girls giggle loudly]
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dieting + stress = incongruity

I've been having a hard time sticking to my strict diet as of late. I think it's been tough especially becuase I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with my body, although I do still want to lose 10 or 15 more pounds. So I think I'm not making dieting a priority what with my theses (plural), job, plans for a "real" job, and yes, even a social life. Any advice?

Also, an update on Mark: we've been talking more and more, and he's probably coming over on Saturday to watch a movie. Normally, I would put "watch a movie" in quotes as such, but in light of his prior stated religion, I'll leave the quotes out. If you catch my drift. He is adorable though, and I do like him... I can tell he likes me too so it's just fun I guess. I don't really expect anything to come out of it and I'm sure he doesn't either since I'm pretty sure they like to marry into their own kind, if you'll forgive my blatantly ignorant generalization. I feel like I'm writing too intellectually... hopefully all this work I'm doing won't make me lose my ability to write in a way that people can actually read without falling asleep.

Funny side note: Ryan and I were e-mailing back and forth a little bit after I left, and then he just abruptly stopped responding. First he didn't respond to something I had sent, and then maybe two weeks later I sent him a short joking email something like, just checking to make sure you didn't die of boredom. Didn't respond to that. So after two no-responses, I let it go. So then yesterday, I got an email from him with "hey" in the subject... and in the body. That was it. Just "hey" twice. I'm kind of wondering if all of this has to do with his fiance. In which case, she needs to take a chill pill because there is absolutely nothing going on between Ryan and I. We really aren't even that flirty. I mean, I could tell that he was kind of into me, but he didn't seem like the type to ever act on it. How sneaky would that be, though, if it were his fiance writing from his email? So anyway, I just responed, hey back atcha :). Whatever.

On another note, I'm becoming sort of a pothead. I mean not really, but I've probably smoked 6 or 7 times in the last, oh, month and a half. I actually smoked by myself for the first time this week. When I told my brother this, his response was "S, that's not okay." to which I said "you are a hypocrite."

SHIT I have to be somewhere at 4:30. PEACE