so funny

omg!

I'm back! And I have some good news, and some good news.
1. I am writing a book. YAY
2. Now, it is all about TOM. Remember him from last summer? I do. Sexiest man alive? Probably not. Does that make a difference? Not in the slightest.

I'm working at the same place but doing some different things so the context in which I see people is much much different. Now I am working mostly with defendants so the attorneys that I see are not as plentiful, but that's okay since I still see the most important one ;).

This is a tad random but I'm a little torn since I started writing in a "real" journal and I do still want to keep that up, but this is too much fun, and when I went back to read the past stuff for material for my book, I had to share the new lovely updates on my life. So, I suppose I'll have to think on that a little.

I've seen Tom quite a bit since I've been back for the summer, but only one real conversation. But that conversation was quite telling since one of the first things he said (after asking me how my school was-- he remembered where I went!) was, "You've been thinking about me all the time?" and naturally since I have no control over what comes out of my mouth when I am around him, I just grinned and said, "Yep." Honestly, my voice is its own entity. I just tag along behind it and hope I can patch up the damage. We went on to have probably the longest conversation that we've ever had (read: less than five minutes) and in that conversation, he brought up how he was, loosely quoting here, "working a lot, gotta make the money" or something. I realized that he's brought up money at least twice, and that isn't really normal. Maybe he's trying to impress me with his important lawyer-ness? I don't know. I should probably find it tacky, but let's be serious, I really just want him and a little bit of tacky isn't going to get in the way.

Another time, Tom made a genuine effort to talk to me-- something he hasn't really done before since we always just crossed paths coincidentally-- but it was sort of perfect because I was busy helping defendants and by the time I was free, someone came to relieve me for break. Let's call it "accidental hard-to-get." So great.

Also: cute, young (my age!! this never happens!) guy came in and was joke-complaining about the money he had to pay. He said, I could be taking you out on a date with that." I am hot. Well, getting there. Too bad I came home and snacked through dinner. It wasn't really a binge-- I think I am just tired of bingeing to be honest. It's almost like I no longer have the will to committ to my eating disorder anymore. Which sounds so messed-up, I suppose because it is? In any case, peanut m&ms, two granola bars, chocolate-covered graham crackers and a pital with jelly is not such a fantastic dinner. At least now I'm done, I guess. I really need to not be so lazy and just cook. We'll see how that works out.

Have missed you all! Hopefully everyone hasn't written me off for not writing in about nine years!

Have also decided that this summer, things are happening. I am too tired of NOTHING coming of ANY of my semi-relationships. Shit is going down. Buckle your seatbelts.

let's play catch-up

I suppose it was pretty ridiculous of me to post that long ass entry and not give any real explanation as to my life these past few months. I wish there were more to tell, however, but I said a lot of it even in my inebriated state.

As for Mark, it ultimately came down to a difference in beliefs. He was VERY strongly into his religion, and for him it was actually even more than a religion; it was a whole culture. While we were definitely able to connect on an intellectual and even emotional level, his upbringing led him to feel guilty for even thinking about sleeping with me, which made the relaonship hard for both of us since there was such a physical attraction. And even though he said he didn't judge me for the decisions I made (drinking, swearing once in a while, etc), it created a tension between us that may have only been in my head but I just had this underlying feeling that somehow he thought I wasn't good enough for him... well, no... but that's the only way I know of saying it. So all in all, we sat down and had a mature discussion that I knew was coming, and claimed to want to both stay friends which I knew wouldn't be likely, and I've talked to him twice since we ended things a little less than a month ago.

That being said, I don't regret being with him; I still think he is a fantastic human being, but I am sure that he will find a girl that shares his beliefs and make her very happy someday. And by someday I mean soon, since he is definitely on that track. IF you know what I mean.

Since then, I've started talking to an ex (not really an ex because we never REALLY dated, but whatever) of mine that I hadn't kept in touch with over the last few years... he is only six years my senior, and that's more okay now that we're both a little older. We were hanging out when I was just a little young for it to be considered OK. His name is Brian. He's not near me at school, but we've been talking on the phone a lot since he randomly sent me this pretty intense text along the lines of, "I know this is random and you might not want to even talk to me but I'm scared that you might be the best thing to happen to me." I'm a little scared that maybe I shouldn't have responded because he seems to be falling for me all over again, and I'm not ready to be serious with anyone right now. Yikes.

Oh I should also say that the stuff about Tom was true; actually everything I wrote was true, including my attraction for Tom... I don't know if I said this, but it's definitely still there. Or it was when I saw him last month.

Whoops, gotta go eat! Have a great week, everyone =)

guess what / (added this later when still of the same mind) SORRY!!!

I'm hammered. Mark and I are DONEZO. That sucked but it was done about a month ago and i hven't been on here in maybe 4 months.

went back to work over christmas and got hit on by hot man again... i think i called him Tom? let's be serious those names were fake. so he said some really fantastic things and i'm determined to be able to type them even if it takes me 40 mins.

Me: so you missed me?
Tom: (dead serious) yeah, I dreamed about you day and night, don't tell my wife.
Me: [what else?] laughed
later
Tom: so you exceited to go back?
Me: yeah, you know me... (sarcastic sort of)
Tom: oh you're gonna be at the bars... dancing naked on the tables?
[something to that extent I am trulry more wasted than I have been all year (It's January 23rd I think so that's a pretty long year so far) but please forgive me. This is probably the worst I've been since I wrote this shit in the summer.

BY THE WAY: please tell me why hot older men LOVE ME. I DON'T GET IT. honestly. they want me and they are fucking old and not accptable well sometimes they are but still why can't I find a nice unmarried grad student who is not 40+ and married?1//1/!/1/ I swear I'm hot and normal and actually quite funny. Shit this post is a mess GOOD THING you don't know who I am in real life shitttt son.

WOW I missed this stuff. LOVE YOU ALL. Sorry For being such a mess/ waste of life. I really do love yo uall that read me. Honestly. If there are any of you left.

WAIT I NEED TO ADD:
I was going to make a post but I decided to figure out all over again how to rough it and edit a post. I look like Audrey Hepburn! Well not really look like but I "remind" THREE PEOPLE of her. not one, not two, but THREE people. And only one of them was a woman. I'll go ahead and presume that as a good thing. But the thing Is, I am classy. And a bit of a ditz. But smart, honestly (I mean I'm in grad school and went to a damn good undergrad) and pretty? and brunette. and not QUITE sure of what I want from life but it seems pretty determined to figure that out all on its own.

ENOUGH. I might possibly be gettting drunker and that is a BAD thing. SEE YA please comment I mean it's only been 8 1>2 years since i've posted I have no idea if anyone cares about my messed up life!

i am dumb

True Life: I'm Dating a Mormon. Called Mark him tonight, about forty-five mins ago. He didn't answer and I just finished this huuuge assignment so I needed to relax, so I took a hit. So I'm rolling along nicely, grooving to some quality music, and he calls back. Can I answer? No. Why? He thinks I am an angel. It's probably not a good sign that he doesn't know an entire side of me (that does NOT go along with his morals). I haven't lied-- I promise-- but I also haven't told him that I go out to bars, I occasionally get drunk, and I am recently becoming a stoner in my spare time.

It's just that, when I'm with him, I'm SO myself in all the other ways. So it's not like I'm faking anything... he likes the good in me. I just wish I knew he would accept the bad. And that he wasn't Mormon. Oh well, guaranteed not to get too serious! ...I should love that, right?

why I am a guy... that or an asshole's dream come true

Because posting is so much more fun than studying :)

First of all, I postponed my date with Mark until Wednesday, since I ended up having to lock myself in my room to study for pretty much the entire weekend. I basically had my own little private freak-out session; it was thrilling.

But all this studying, for some reason, only makes me think more about the things that need analyzing in my life. Like, for example, why I am always attracted to older, often times married, men. I sort of decided that it's because at this point in my life, I'm not ready to settle down yet (i.e. get married), and so I don't really see the point in anything serious or faux-serious because what's the point. And I think I've bitched enough to demonstrate that my life is ridiculously busy; I honestly feel like I don't have time for a relationship. Ergo, my attraction to men that are pretty much guaranteed to not want anything more than a fling/ physical connection from me. Basically, I'm a guy. I want the physical aspect without being tied down or being held accountable to anyone. At least at this point in my life. I want the sparks without the ball and chain, so to speak. But no, I do not sleep around. Yes I can have my cake and eat it, too.

four things thing

Four Times Meme:

Instructions: Copy/paste the meme into your blog, type in your answers and tag four people on your lists! Don't forget to change my answers to your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: campus for class, the library, my best friend's apartment, little bagel place/coffeshop.

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: SPAM-- mostly from my school; my advisor (okay, this is getting sad...), my mother, Evan

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, my little bagel/coffeshop, a great sushi place two blocks from me, Chili's (sad, I know)

(D) Four places you'd rather be: in my amazingly comfortable bed, the Bahamas, Italy, anywhere with Tom...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: WEEDS, Friends, Sex and the City... I don't have time for TV? I guess I'll stick to the rules and throw in Grey's Anatomy.

(F) Four people I think will respond: Sass Accidentally Me treespotter The Diva on a Diet

shoot! I don't know how to put links in here... help?

oh, the nerdiness of my school

Overheard on campus:
Guy standing in a group of young-looking girls: well, I think we need to draw up some linear regressions for that.
[Girls giggle loudly]
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dieting + stress = incongruity

I've been having a hard time sticking to my strict diet as of late. I think it's been tough especially becuase I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with my body, although I do still want to lose 10 or 15 more pounds. So I think I'm not making dieting a priority what with my theses (plural), job, plans for a "real" job, and yes, even a social life. Any advice?

Also, an update on Mark: we've been talking more and more, and he's probably coming over on Saturday to watch a movie. Normally, I would put "watch a movie" in quotes as such, but in light of his prior stated religion, I'll leave the quotes out. If you catch my drift. He is adorable though, and I do like him... I can tell he likes me too so it's just fun I guess. I don't really expect anything to come out of it and I'm sure he doesn't either since I'm pretty sure they like to marry into their own kind, if you'll forgive my blatantly ignorant generalization. I feel like I'm writing too intellectually... hopefully all this work I'm doing won't make me lose my ability to write in a way that people can actually read without falling asleep.

Funny side note: Ryan and I were e-mailing back and forth a little bit after I left, and then he just abruptly stopped responding. First he didn't respond to something I had sent, and then maybe two weeks later I sent him a short joking email something like, just checking to make sure you didn't die of boredom. Didn't respond to that. So after two no-responses, I let it go. So then yesterday, I got an email from him with "hey" in the subject... and in the body. That was it. Just "hey" twice. I'm kind of wondering if all of this has to do with his fiance. In which case, she needs to take a chill pill because there is absolutely nothing going on between Ryan and I. We really aren't even that flirty. I mean, I could tell that he was kind of into me, but he didn't seem like the type to ever act on it. How sneaky would that be, though, if it were his fiance writing from his email? So anyway, I just responed, hey back atcha :). Whatever.

On another note, I'm becoming sort of a pothead. I mean not really, but I've probably smoked 6 or 7 times in the last, oh, month and a half. I actually smoked by myself for the first time this week. When I told my brother this, his response was "S, that's not okay." to which I said "you are a hypocrite."

SHIT I have to be somewhere at 4:30. PEACE

just to shake things up a little

tomorrow

instead of waiting I focus on the droplets gathering in the wooden windowpanes,
each one swelling and stretching until it spills over the ledge,
racing, noiseless, down the glass and leaving
a trail of little smudged pieces of itself behind.

instead of waiting I listen to the low rumble of your laugh
when I tease you, inhale the shoulder of your favorite suit, watch
the black dots of your eyes grow heat. It reaches my skin from across the room.
When I look back you’re still there: one arm perched on the railing.

Instead of waiting I scrape my pencil on the thin-lined paper
each word fills a space, each curve of each letter
reminds me and I have to erase each word that isn’t perfect.
My handwriting has never been so neat.

instead of waiting I switch on my closet light
and flip through the clothes, putting things together like an actress
before her wardrobe.
I stand sideways in front of my mirror in that black dress and bright red heels

Instead of waiting I am giving
up coffee in favor of tea. Every morning I wake up
and pour a little less into my mug. I force the stream into its last few drops
and turn on the water to boil.

Instead of waiting I dump everything from my drawers onto my bed.
I try on, sort and toss. Make piles of yes, no, maybe.
Your t-shirt with the faded letters smells like Sunday afternoon.
yes… maybe. No. No's go into a black garbage bag; I’ll throw it out tomorrow.



…but what if you forget me?

i have NO time to write this but...

Mark called! :)

I'm not getting my hopes up on this one though, for the aforementioned reasons, and also because... I guess I don't really have any other reason other than I hate being let down. Who doesn't?

So again, sorry that I suck at posting but I'll tell you this: I'm in the process of writing not one, but TWO theses that will end up being around 90-100 pages each. But, I'm still here, still reading when I can!

i think i like him and that's going to be a problem

So Mormon boy-- Mark-- did call yesterday and we went out on possibly the cutest date ever. Don't laugh, but we went go-carting (possibly the most fun I've had since I last went in the fourth grade), drove to a good place, parked the car and layed on top of it and looked at the stars, and just... talked. No, he didn't kiss me, but we talked about everything, for hours, and it was adorable and he is so sweet and NORMAL. And the best part? He's my age! Oh dear.

this would happen to me

I met a guy today. He got my number and wants to take me out tomorrow. One catch. He's MORMON. How do I know this? He doesn't even go to school here, he goes to BYU.
I was also winked at today by a(n attractive) visiting professor, easily in his forties. I DID NOT flirt with him or provoke him, I swear.
Go ahead, laugh it up. My life is joke.

Also: I have never been so fucking busy in my life, so if I haven't been posting, it's because I have work coming out my my ears. I did the whole "following" thing so I can keep track of you lovelies who I've gotten to know (sort of) on here.
ButI have, easily, four more hours of work to do tonight, and most of that is just getting me caught up to where I was supposed to be at the beginning of this week. Screw you, grad school

nerds and mistaken lesbians

I burst out laughing while browsing the bookstore today. Actually that's a lie, but I should have. It was just too much of a coincidence. Was flipping through a book of creative nonfiction (yes, I am a nerd) and came upon an essay titled "How to Be an Other Woman". Sat down and read the whole essay instead of finding what I had come for. It's actually really good, if a little depressing. Obviously I can't relate to much of it, but the emotions are there and the potential WAS there. Fantastic writing. By Lorrie Moore. Read it.

Something about reading good writing makes me want to write. I've been writing for real a lot more lately, so if the quality of my posts has suffered, it's because I've been too excited about my free verse and essays.

In the real world, my weekend was pretty swell, except that I'm still dreading seeing that guy tomorrow (the one from the bar on Friday). Didn't get hammered, but just drunk enough to have a great time and give even less of a shit than usual. Funny part of Friday: a bunch of horny guys mistook my best friend and I for lesbians at one point. We like to dance with each other sometimes, what can I say? So anyway, that was amusing. Guys: you are too easy and too fun to tease. Good night and leave a comment or two, I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads this anymore. I'm not THAT boring just because I'm back in school.

shoot

Fuck my life this is why I said I wasn't going to drink any more. Went out to bars and spent most of the time at one where I danced with a colleague that it is going to be MOST awkward seeing on Monday. And I'm not (wasn't) even that wasted. It's that whole inhibitions problem. Gets me every time. But, on the bright side, I am hot. Which is a true fact but I'm only saying it because it is the smirnoff speaking. Good night.

Side note: I wish there were no internet creepers on here so I didn't have to be so anonymous. This world is a scary place and that sucks. However, I think this might be my first drunk post. no that's a lie I remember emailing a post from my blackberry one night when I was out. Well this is the first real one. Not an email, but a post from my computer before I pass out. I should stop trying to make sense and admit that I am a drunk mess. bye.

que sopresa

Prof is married. Found out to no credit of mine: his wife called him when I was in his office. Shittyyyyy.
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summary of my weekend in quotes

***my name is S***

Thursday
guy: Where's your drink?
me: I have five classes tomorrow.
guy: Wow. (pause) Why?

Friday
best friend: We should get sex changes. We could be the best guys at [name of my school].
--
roommate: Why do all older men hit on you?

Saturday:
best friend: (disoriented and drunk) I thought I was looking for something...
me: Your dignity?
--
me: Jeff, can I borrow your phone? My purse is locked in Nick's room.
guy friend: (walking by and shaking head) S...
---
(I am in the hall talking to two guys that have been hitting on me the past few weeks and two girls come out of a room)
guy 1: S, have you met my girlfriend?
guy 2: S, have you met my girlfriend?

Sunday:
guy roommate: We need to help [other roommate]. She's too nice.
me: I'm not.
(silence... then laughing)
guy roommate: We need to help her be more like S.
--
Tom Cruise: sometimes you just need to say 'what the fuck' and make your move

let's take a vote

Who thinks Prof is taken and who thinks he is single? I'll find a way to figure it out within the week.

Also, hit on by a DILF while buying books today. Let the record show that I was wearing no makeup, a tee shirt and shorts. Anyway, he was with his (granted, adorable) 3-year-old, but seeing how he was at a university bookstore, he had to have a kid at least somewhat close to my age. Weird though, I would have pegged him at 38.

I find this unsurprising on both counts: the hitting-on and my incorrect age-estimating.

So tell me what you think about Prof. Prizes for the winning voters.

my life seems to have grown significantly less exciting.

Stopped by Prof's office today armed with a shameless excuse of a question on subject matter, but he wasn't there. I tend to just assume people are going to be where I want them to be, when I want them there. It doesn't always work out so well for me, but such is the life of spontaneity.

Not worth giving him a name yet, but there's a cute guy in one of my classes that started chatting me up today. This is a plus because the professor seems to really love the sound of his own voice significantly more than the students do. One funny thing I realized today: I love parentheses so much that I found myself using them in my thoughts. Like, my thoughts wouldn't have sounded as good out loud as they would have on paper. This, my friends, is why I write.

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i'm just going to have to come out and say it

I'm in school. Hence, the leaving and coming back and all that. I'm a grad student actually. Believe it or not, I study and get pretty fantastic grades in between all of my obsessions over men. So, with that said, I sort of met someone... one of my professors is very attractive and seems to think the same of me. Let's call him Prof.
I would have a hot professor.
Jury's still out on whether or not he's married or otherwise involved. I'm trying to learn to pick up on the signs of that, and not really succeeding. He doesn't wear a ring though, but that may or may not mean anything. So, we'll see where that goes. I should really find someone that is a) single and b) not in a position of authority/working with me.

So other than my new interest, I don't have a whole lot to write about. I've just been mad busy starting up classes, setting up interviews, working, going out, furnishing my apartment, all that. I did realize something about partying though; it seems like the older I get, the less of a desire I have to party party. Lately when I've been seeing the undergrads all out stumbling around, dressed to the nines and generally being obnoxiously drunk, I've just been realizing how ridiculous I must have looked at that age (and let's be serious, at this age sometimes). I'd much rather have my few friends that I go out with, hit a few bars, and meet new people that I'm able to remember the next day. And I'd so much rather smoke (not cigarettes) than drink. Maybe I'm just one of those people who's more, let's say predisposed, to smoke. A lot of people are surprised that I'd rather smoke though, since I'm so NOT the stereotypical pothead. Even when I smoke, I don't just sit there like, duhhhh... You know what I mean? Great because I know just what I mean :).

Right so I'm off to go be productive.