let's play catch-up

I suppose it was pretty ridiculous of me to post that long ass entry and not give any real explanation as to my life these past few months. I wish there were more to tell, however, but I said a lot of it even in my inebriated state.

As for Mark, it ultimately came down to a difference in beliefs. He was VERY strongly into his religion, and for him it was actually even more than a religion; it was a whole culture. While we were definitely able to connect on an intellectual and even emotional level, his upbringing led him to feel guilty for even thinking about sleeping with me, which made the relaonship hard for both of us since there was such a physical attraction. And even though he said he didn't judge me for the decisions I made (drinking, swearing once in a while, etc), it created a tension between us that may have only been in my head but I just had this underlying feeling that somehow he thought I wasn't good enough for him... well, no... but that's the only way I know of saying it. So all in all, we sat down and had a mature discussion that I knew was coming, and claimed to want to both stay friends which I knew wouldn't be likely, and I've talked to him twice since we ended things a little less than a month ago.

That being said, I don't regret being with him; I still think he is a fantastic human being, but I am sure that he will find a girl that shares his beliefs and make her very happy someday. And by someday I mean soon, since he is definitely on that track. IF you know what I mean.

Since then, I've started talking to an ex (not really an ex because we never REALLY dated, but whatever) of mine that I hadn't kept in touch with over the last few years... he is only six years my senior, and that's more okay now that we're both a little older. We were hanging out when I was just a little young for it to be considered OK. His name is Brian. He's not near me at school, but we've been talking on the phone a lot since he randomly sent me this pretty intense text along the lines of, "I know this is random and you might not want to even talk to me but I'm scared that you might be the best thing to happen to me." I'm a little scared that maybe I shouldn't have responded because he seems to be falling for me all over again, and I'm not ready to be serious with anyone right now. Yikes.

Oh I should also say that the stuff about Tom was true; actually everything I wrote was true, including my attraction for Tom... I don't know if I said this, but it's definitely still there. Or it was when I saw him last month.

Whoops, gotta go eat! Have a great week, everyone =)

guess what / (added this later when still of the same mind) SORRY!!!

I'm hammered. Mark and I are DONEZO. That sucked but it was done about a month ago and i hven't been on here in maybe 4 months.

went back to work over christmas and got hit on by hot man again... i think i called him Tom? let's be serious those names were fake. so he said some really fantastic things and i'm determined to be able to type them even if it takes me 40 mins.

Me: so you missed me?
Tom: (dead serious) yeah, I dreamed about you day and night, don't tell my wife.
Me: [what else?] laughed
later
Tom: so you exceited to go back?
Me: yeah, you know me... (sarcastic sort of)
Tom: oh you're gonna be at the bars... dancing naked on the tables?
[something to that extent I am trulry more wasted than I have been all year (It's January 23rd I think so that's a pretty long year so far) but please forgive me. This is probably the worst I've been since I wrote this shit in the summer.

BY THE WAY: please tell me why hot older men LOVE ME. I DON'T GET IT. honestly. they want me and they are fucking old and not accptable well sometimes they are but still why can't I find a nice unmarried grad student who is not 40+ and married?1//1/!/1/ I swear I'm hot and normal and actually quite funny. Shit this post is a mess GOOD THING you don't know who I am in real life shitttt son.

WOW I missed this stuff. LOVE YOU ALL. Sorry For being such a mess/ waste of life. I really do love yo uall that read me. Honestly. If there are any of you left.

WAIT I NEED TO ADD:
I was going to make a post but I decided to figure out all over again how to rough it and edit a post. I look like Audrey Hepburn! Well not really look like but I "remind" THREE PEOPLE of her. not one, not two, but THREE people. And only one of them was a woman. I'll go ahead and presume that as a good thing. But the thing Is, I am classy. And a bit of a ditz. But smart, honestly (I mean I'm in grad school and went to a damn good undergrad) and pretty? and brunette. and not QUITE sure of what I want from life but it seems pretty determined to figure that out all on its own.

ENOUGH. I might possibly be gettting drunker and that is a BAD thing. SEE YA please comment I mean it's only been 8 1>2 years since i've posted I have no idea if anyone cares about my messed up life!