just to shake things up a little

tomorrow

instead of waiting I focus on the droplets gathering in the wooden windowpanes,
each one swelling and stretching until it spills over the ledge,
racing, noiseless, down the glass and leaving
a trail of little smudged pieces of itself behind.

instead of waiting I listen to the low rumble of your laugh
when I tease you, inhale the shoulder of your favorite suit, watch
the black dots of your eyes grow heat. It reaches my skin from across the room.
When I look back you’re still there: one arm perched on the railing.

Instead of waiting I scrape my pencil on the thin-lined paper
each word fills a space, each curve of each letter
reminds me and I have to erase each word that isn’t perfect.
My handwriting has never been so neat.

instead of waiting I switch on my closet light
and flip through the clothes, putting things together like an actress
before her wardrobe.
I stand sideways in front of my mirror in that black dress and bright red heels

Instead of waiting I am giving
up coffee in favor of tea. Every morning I wake up
and pour a little less into my mug. I force the stream into its last few drops
and turn on the water to boil.

Instead of waiting I dump everything from my drawers onto my bed.
I try on, sort and toss. Make piles of yes, no, maybe.
Your t-shirt with the faded letters smells like Sunday afternoon.
yes… maybe. No. No's go into a black garbage bag; I’ll throw it out tomorrow.



…but what if you forget me?

i have NO time to write this but...

Mark called! :)

I'm not getting my hopes up on this one though, for the aforementioned reasons, and also because... I guess I don't really have any other reason other than I hate being let down. Who doesn't?

So again, sorry that I suck at posting but I'll tell you this: I'm in the process of writing not one, but TWO theses that will end up being around 90-100 pages each. But, I'm still here, still reading when I can!

i think i like him and that's going to be a problem

So Mormon boy-- Mark-- did call yesterday and we went out on possibly the cutest date ever. Don't laugh, but we went go-carting (possibly the most fun I've had since I last went in the fourth grade), drove to a good place, parked the car and layed on top of it and looked at the stars, and just... talked. No, he didn't kiss me, but we talked about everything, for hours, and it was adorable and he is so sweet and NORMAL. And the best part? He's my age! Oh dear.

this would happen to me

I met a guy today. He got my number and wants to take me out tomorrow. One catch. He's MORMON. How do I know this? He doesn't even go to school here, he goes to BYU.
I was also winked at today by a(n attractive) visiting professor, easily in his forties. I DID NOT flirt with him or provoke him, I swear.
Go ahead, laugh it up. My life is joke.

Also: I have never been so fucking busy in my life, so if I haven't been posting, it's because I have work coming out my my ears. I did the whole "following" thing so I can keep track of you lovelies who I've gotten to know (sort of) on here.
ButI have, easily, four more hours of work to do tonight, and most of that is just getting me caught up to where I was supposed to be at the beginning of this week. Screw you, grad school

nerds and mistaken lesbians

I burst out laughing while browsing the bookstore today. Actually that's a lie, but I should have. It was just too much of a coincidence. Was flipping through a book of creative nonfiction (yes, I am a nerd) and came upon an essay titled "How to Be an Other Woman". Sat down and read the whole essay instead of finding what I had come for. It's actually really good, if a little depressing. Obviously I can't relate to much of it, but the emotions are there and the potential WAS there. Fantastic writing. By Lorrie Moore. Read it.

Something about reading good writing makes me want to write. I've been writing for real a lot more lately, so if the quality of my posts has suffered, it's because I've been too excited about my free verse and essays.

In the real world, my weekend was pretty swell, except that I'm still dreading seeing that guy tomorrow (the one from the bar on Friday). Didn't get hammered, but just drunk enough to have a great time and give even less of a shit than usual. Funny part of Friday: a bunch of horny guys mistook my best friend and I for lesbians at one point. We like to dance with each other sometimes, what can I say? So anyway, that was amusing. Guys: you are too easy and too fun to tease. Good night and leave a comment or two, I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads this anymore. I'm not THAT boring just because I'm back in school.

shoot

Fuck my life this is why I said I wasn't going to drink any more. Went out to bars and spent most of the time at one where I danced with a colleague that it is going to be MOST awkward seeing on Monday. And I'm not (wasn't) even that wasted. It's that whole inhibitions problem. Gets me every time. But, on the bright side, I am hot. Which is a true fact but I'm only saying it because it is the smirnoff speaking. Good night.

Side note: I wish there were no internet creepers on here so I didn't have to be so anonymous. This world is a scary place and that sucks. However, I think this might be my first drunk post. no that's a lie I remember emailing a post from my blackberry one night when I was out. Well this is the first real one. Not an email, but a post from my computer before I pass out. I should stop trying to make sense and admit that I am a drunk mess. bye.

que sopresa

Prof is married. Found out to no credit of mine: his wife called him when I was in his office. Shittyyyyy.
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summary of my weekend in quotes

***my name is S***

Thursday
guy: Where's your drink?
me: I have five classes tomorrow.
guy: Wow. (pause) Why?

Friday
best friend: We should get sex changes. We could be the best guys at [name of my school].
--
roommate: Why do all older men hit on you?

Saturday:
best friend: (disoriented and drunk) I thought I was looking for something...
me: Your dignity?
--
me: Jeff, can I borrow your phone? My purse is locked in Nick's room.
guy friend: (walking by and shaking head) S...
---
(I am in the hall talking to two guys that have been hitting on me the past few weeks and two girls come out of a room)
guy 1: S, have you met my girlfriend?
guy 2: S, have you met my girlfriend?

Sunday:
guy roommate: We need to help [other roommate]. She's too nice.
me: I'm not.
(silence... then laughing)
guy roommate: We need to help her be more like S.
--
Tom Cruise: sometimes you just need to say 'what the fuck' and make your move

let's take a vote

Who thinks Prof is taken and who thinks he is single? I'll find a way to figure it out within the week.

Also, hit on by a DILF while buying books today. Let the record show that I was wearing no makeup, a tee shirt and shorts. Anyway, he was with his (granted, adorable) 3-year-old, but seeing how he was at a university bookstore, he had to have a kid at least somewhat close to my age. Weird though, I would have pegged him at 38.

I find this unsurprising on both counts: the hitting-on and my incorrect age-estimating.

So tell me what you think about Prof. Prizes for the winning voters.

my life seems to have grown significantly less exciting.

Stopped by Prof's office today armed with a shameless excuse of a question on subject matter, but he wasn't there. I tend to just assume people are going to be where I want them to be, when I want them there. It doesn't always work out so well for me, but such is the life of spontaneity.

Not worth giving him a name yet, but there's a cute guy in one of my classes that started chatting me up today. This is a plus because the professor seems to really love the sound of his own voice significantly more than the students do. One funny thing I realized today: I love parentheses so much that I found myself using them in my thoughts. Like, my thoughts wouldn't have sounded as good out loud as they would have on paper. This, my friends, is why I write.

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i'm just going to have to come out and say it

I'm in school. Hence, the leaving and coming back and all that. I'm a grad student actually. Believe it or not, I study and get pretty fantastic grades in between all of my obsessions over men. So, with that said, I sort of met someone... one of my professors is very attractive and seems to think the same of me. Let's call him Prof.
I would have a hot professor.
Jury's still out on whether or not he's married or otherwise involved. I'm trying to learn to pick up on the signs of that, and not really succeeding. He doesn't wear a ring though, but that may or may not mean anything. So, we'll see where that goes. I should really find someone that is a) single and b) not in a position of authority/working with me.

So other than my new interest, I don't have a whole lot to write about. I've just been mad busy starting up classes, setting up interviews, working, going out, furnishing my apartment, all that. I did realize something about partying though; it seems like the older I get, the less of a desire I have to party party. Lately when I've been seeing the undergrads all out stumbling around, dressed to the nines and generally being obnoxiously drunk, I've just been realizing how ridiculous I must have looked at that age (and let's be serious, at this age sometimes). I'd much rather have my few friends that I go out with, hit a few bars, and meet new people that I'm able to remember the next day. And I'd so much rather smoke (not cigarettes) than drink. Maybe I'm just one of those people who's more, let's say predisposed, to smoke. A lot of people are surprised that I'd rather smoke though, since I'm so NOT the stereotypical pothead. Even when I smoke, I don't just sit there like, duhhhh... You know what I mean? Great because I know just what I mean :).

Right so I'm off to go be productive.

too much

Soo, the good/bad thing about hardly drinking for the past few months is that when you do drink again, you get way more drunk, way more quickly. Especially if you've hardly eaten that day. I only had like 4 or 5 beers over the course of the night last night, but somehow I ended up completely shitfaced. Then I made the genius decision to take two monster hits.
Let's just say I didn't make it home until 10 this morning. Didn't make any bad life decisions though, other than getting obliterated. Luckily I didn't get a headache today though, just a sick stomach. Managed to drag my ass outside and go for a half hour jog, which felt sort of refreshing until I stopped.

I wanted to briefly say something that bugs me. When and why did "curvy" become a euphemism for "fat"? It's really annoying to those of us who actually are curvy. Take me for example. I have big boobs that are just wider than my hips, a narrow waist, and hips. I essentially have an hourglass shape. So WHY do I have to be lumped into a category with fat girls? Not only does that annoy me because I can't refer to myself the way that I actually am without inducing negative connotations, but when you substitute the word "fat" for the word "curvy", you are subtly saying that being curvy is an undesirable thing. Um, it's NOT! I love my boobs. I love my ass. I love my skinny waist.
Dear media,
Stop trying to tell me to hate the parts of me that make me feel sexy.

packing blows

I need to not buy any more white lacy tank tops. I discovered that I have twelve of them.

almost

He flaked. So DAMN close, too. It took me like fifteen minutes to explain to my friend (I do have one or two girl friends, after all) how lunch and much more ALMOST happened, because it was just so... words are escaping me.

I guess I'll say that he must have just wanted me to push him into it, and I was only willing to go so far. I brought it up, he said maybe. I reminded him I was taking lunch at 12, he said he couldn't get off until a little later. I was walking away at around lunch time, he asked where I was going. Repeatedly. I said I didn't know/ didn't have anywhere to go, he stared at me with that damn glint in his eyes and waited for me to tell him to meet me somewhere. I guess I should have, but I'm not a freaking slut for heaven's sake. I mean, give a freaking inch once in a while. I know you want me, just make the damn move. Times like these, I could almost prefer women to men. No, not that way you bastards. But you should know how much I dislike my own kind, so that's saying something. To all you men out there like Ken: please, for the love of God, get some nerve.

On the bright side, Evan gave me his email address and asked if I was mad at him... flirted a lot. He's so great to be around. Anyway, he wants to keep in touch while I'm away, and I'll be back for a while in December so it's sort of promising that he offered that. Also got a hilarious homemade going away "card" from this guy I've recently started flirting with-- yet another one, I kid you not. He's Ryan. Hot but not necessarily my type, kind of guido-ish. Also, I'm 90% sure he just got engaged. Surprised? Me neither. And a random guy that came into the office gave me his phone number. Actually, he yelled it across the office. Apparently that should have embarrassed me. I thought it was hilarious. Plus he wasn't altogether bad looking. Not that I even wrote down his number, much less have plans to call him, but I'll take a compliment any day. Unless it's backhanded. Hate those.

Didn't see Tom today. That SUCKED. I think I was maybe more disappointed that I didn't see Tom than I was about not going to lunch with Ken. Part of me is afraid that this is going to be a pattern, since Tom is more attractive than Ken. I really hope I don't turn into one of those people that is always looking out for something (or someone) better. But honestly at this point, while I am really attracted to both, I think more about Tom. I think about Tom, I think about him the way he thinks about me... I think about the way he thinks about me... why is my timing SO TERRIBLE! Right, need to calm down, there will be beautiful men where I'm going. I've seen them, I know. This post is too long. Bye.

fingers crossed...

If you are reading this, cross your fingers now. . . ok thanks. I figure I can use all the help I can get. Maybe even say a little prayer for me, since I've been wanting this the WHOLE FREAKING SUMMER. So. Today. Flirting with Ken.

Me: so when are you taking me out to lunch?
Ken: not today (frustrated), we have blah blah blah and blah to finish.
Me: aww, you know tomorrow's my last day...
Ken: I know (sad face but glint in the eye)
[smoldering glances]
Me: (over shoulder as I walk away) well, think about it.
[later in the day, I run into him unexpectedly]
Me: hey, you
Ken: hey, Having It Girl (fumbles with papers a little) ...when are you breaking for lunch tomorrow?
Me: around noon. (I get legitimately distracted by someone else for a minute, then tap him with my papers to get his attention) so... noon. (I walk away)

Think it'll actually happen? I mean, I'm afraid he'll flake out on lunch altogether. *cough*Tom*cough*. Speaking of Tom, I didn't even see his sexy ass today. bitch. I did see him yesterday though, and i hate to say it, but I'm even more attracted to Tom than I am to Ken. Not to mention the fact that Tom pictures me naked when he sees me. I mean let's be serious, he may as well come out and tell me what he's thinking. When I saw him yesterday, though, he didn't make any outright come-ons, and he also didn't say anything about flaking last Thursday. It really sucks that I'm leaving.

the men: indexed

B is Brad -- co-worker that is considerably older than me, but maintains the badass attitude and player reputation.

E is Evan -- sweet, closer to my own age, expresses interest in me but fails to make a definite move. I eventually find out that he is actually 17 years my senior. bummer.

J is Jason -- oh, Jason. great chemistry. has girlfriend that I work with on daily basis. partner of my almost-indiscretion that incites much office gossip. Added later: what I thought was "chemistry" was actually my own "vanity."

K is Ken -- my first real flirtation since getting back into shape. married. lots of chemistry.

M is Mike -- worked with closely a few times. married with a daughter that is almost my age. still, lots of chemistry. called me beautiful twice.

R is Ray -- still much older, but younger than Brad. single. more recent development and not quite so much chemistry, but still fun.

Ryan -- shit, there are two R's now. Is it bad that I only realized that as I was adding Ryan to the list? hot but not really my type, fun flirtation that I'll stay in touch with despite leaving.

S is Steve -- hardly deserves to be mentioned in here because he is such a minor character in my life. "likes the young ones". semi-creepy, but keeps to himself and mostly just stares.

T is Tom -- save the best for last. married with kids. most attractive man I see on a daily basis. friends-with-everyone type. did I mention sexy? makes "naked" comments.

cavities: the new hottest turn-on?

This post will be short because I'm impatient and I have a shit ton of stuff to do.
So apparently I have a new hot dentist? He must have just joined the practice. However: TALK about an awkward way to meet a guy. So there he is, digging around through my FIRST EVER cavity. Can't really be thinking about how much he'd like to make out with that, now can he? Somehow he still flirted with me though. He had the whole suave guy thing down pat, winking and all. When he first came over and sat down by my chair, he reached down and kind of tenderly brushed a hair away from my face even though it was so not in the way. Would have been sweeter if he weren't married. Do all married men manage to fit their wives into all conversations with younger women that they flirt with? I mean really. Oh one more thing. Apparently laying out is like this sexy thing to men. When he came in to see me, he grinned at me and asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I said, laying out today, and he kind of fumbled his words before spitting out something about hoping that I wear enough... sunscreen.

I'll be posting a... what's it called... thing where you list characters or whatnot for reference? Well I'll be posting one of those so you (and I...) can keep all of my men straight. Anyway it should be up later today or tomorrow.

oh, the frustration

I am leaving my job in a week. (but I need more time with my men!) Oh well it's probably for the better. Who knows what would happen, especially in light of recent incidents with Tom, and today with Evan.

Not sure if I've mentioned Evan before but he's been sort of a conundrum because he is the one who has probably expressed the most interest, without being overtly sexual, or, get this, taken! Wow, who knew single guys liked me?! So anyway the conundrum lies in the fact that he hasn't made a real move in the past few weeks, despite paying attention to me, dropping numerous hints of interest, etc. The logical step would have been to get my number. So he told me straight up today that he's been holding back because of my leaving so soon, and more or less said that he didn't want to start anything because he knew I'd be going at the end of the summer. He also said that he thought I thought he was a lot younger than he was... turns out he's a mere 17 years older than me. Yeah that was a shock to me; I had him pegged at 8 years younger than he is. which would make him 9 years older, which isn't such a big deal.

Also, lunch with Tom isn't happening. Barely saw him today, and when I did see him, there were other people around and we didn't talk much. I do think it's probably telling that he didn't bring it up around other people though. I mean, if it were platonic, he could have just said, "hey S, we still on for lunch tomorrow?" or even, "I don't think I'm going to be able to make lunch tomorrow". No big deal, right? Well apparently he had more than lunch in mind, whether or not he was planning on acting on those thoughts. So my weekend is looking depressingly free. This, my friends, is what they call Sexual Frustration. *sigh*

needing some insight

I've been sitting on hold with a credit card company for 13:42, so I'm listening to the lovely music on speakerphone as I write.

There's so much I want to say that I don't even know where to start. Got it. T. Got to chat with him today and yesterday. Yesterday he made another comment about me being naked (remember the laying out convo?). This time he was teasing me about having naked pictures online (I DO NOT have any such thing, nor will I ever-- this was a JOKING conversation). The funniest thing is that, practically in the same breath, he weaved the word "wife" into the conversation. Very casually, as in, "my wife has friends that live there blah blah. Weird!! He is a strange agent, T. So then today, didn't think I was even going to see him, but got to briefly. I asked him what he thought about my couple extra earrings, since I wanted another opinion after the debate I had with the other guy last week. Dialogue was more or less as follows:

Me: What, if anything, does this (pulling hair behind my ear so he can see my 2 little earrings) make you think of me?
T: (pondering) what if anything... (looks at me with a glint in his eyes) That you're easy.
Me: Really? Come on, be serious, I'm in an ongoing debate about this.
T: No, I don't know...
[later in the day, still on same subject]
T: So you're just about the ear then, huh? Nothing else?
Me: Yep! Well and my belly button. (T gives me a look) I was 15 and thought I was badass!
T: See? What next, nipples?
Me: Never! Never in a million years
T: see if you got that, then I would look, and then tell you what I thought...
Me: (laugh, rolled my eyes) of course you would.

Wow, also need to say that I JUST spoke to the credit card person. Anyway though, what the heck!? You would honestly think that I dressed like a total floozy by the way guys react to me at work. Well, no, but these guys have balls! Seriously who says stuff like that? Also, I put B in his place today. He's been really intense with the inappropriate comments since he found out that I got a brazillian wax (how the HELL did he find that out?! I hate the girls I work with...). So I was finally like, ok, chill with that.

I think K is on vacation because this is three days that I haven't seen him, and I've been around all his usual haunts. Bummer. Oh well, I suppose now that I've got a new married guy to lust after, I can't be TOO upset. Ass update: still hurts like a bitch. Going to have a bruise the size of Texas, but at least the parts that got cut up are starting to scab over. Probably going to have lunch with T on Friday and definitely seeing him tomorrow to talk about Friday so obviously I'll be back for an update.

has anyone seen my coordination?

I have a raspberry on my ASS.
While rollerblading today, I was sashaying on my merry way past three guys. I looked up, gave them my cool "hi" smile, then took a stride or two.
As soon as my foot touched down on the branch, I was a goner. Wobble, wobble, CRASH. Somehow I managed to fall on my knee AND my backside. Anyway, I sort of ended up in the sitting position, but I just laid down on my back for a second and felt sorry for myself. When I sat up to brush off my pride-- I mean knees, I was composed.
The guys were actually really nice. They ran out to help me, made sure I was ok, my ipod wasn't broken, joked around with me. I made light of it. One of them sort of tried to hit on me (really? you think this is a good time?), commenting something facetious about how "I was covering up so well".
This clumsiness really needs to stop.

Work was ehh today. Didn't get to see K (where is he this time?) and barely saw T or my new fave dude who said I was beautiful twice. On the bright side, I got a lot of compliments today. I looked pretty great if I do say so myself. Gotta go ice my ass (I wish I were kidding). Peace out home fries.