the men: indexed

B is Brad -- co-worker that is considerably older than me, but maintains the badass attitude and player reputation.

E is Evan -- sweet, closer to my own age, expresses interest in me but fails to make a definite move. I eventually find out that he is actually 17 years my senior. bummer.

J is Jason -- oh, Jason. great chemistry. has girlfriend that I work with on daily basis. partner of my almost-indiscretion that incites much office gossip. Added later: what I thought was "chemistry" was actually my own "vanity."

K is Ken -- my first real flirtation since getting back into shape. married. lots of chemistry.

M is Mike -- worked with closely a few times. married with a daughter that is almost my age. still, lots of chemistry. called me beautiful twice.

R is Ray -- still much older, but younger than Brad. single. more recent development and not quite so much chemistry, but still fun.

Ryan -- shit, there are two R's now. Is it bad that I only realized that as I was adding Ryan to the list? hot but not really my type, fun flirtation that I'll stay in touch with despite leaving.

S is Steve -- hardly deserves to be mentioned in here because he is such a minor character in my life. "likes the young ones". semi-creepy, but keeps to himself and mostly just stares.

T is Tom -- save the best for last. married with kids. most attractive man I see on a daily basis. friends-with-everyone type. did I mention sexy? makes "naked" comments.

my life is a joke

Or a soap opera. Saw J today, several times. I could tell he was trying to keep it under wraps around the GF and because of all of the drama surrounding him and I, but he did say hi the one time he came close enough to say hi, and every other time I saw him, he checked me out up and down. I think he doesn't even realize how obvious he is with the up-and-downing. Like he thinks that if only his eyes move, no one will notice.

Also, another much older flirtation (I've forgotten if I've given him a title-- I confuse myself with all my lettered men)--Ray-- asked me how old I was in a manner that suggested that he knew he was too old for me, but just had to know for sure. It's interesting to note which types of men go how far in their flirtations with a younger, attractive (I told you, modesty is overrated) woman. I think it's really a confidence thing with the men. Hell, with ALL of us. But with men, it seems like it takes a lot of confidence to be able to hit on a woman that they think is out of their league, and if the woman is attractive, being younger only makes her more out of their league. Hopefully that made sense.

A realization I had can be best summarized by a warning.
DANGER! BEWARE THESE WORDS:
"whatever"/ "whatever you want"
"I don't care!"
The only explanation I'm going to give for why these phrases are dangerous is that I used them both several times when I went out with J last Thursday.

introducing t

Am I wearing a sign that says "married? taken? hit on me!" Really. It's getting kind of ridiculous. So T is the attorney I mentioned once (twice?), the one who is absolutely the most attractive one that I see on a daily basis. Just started talking to me like last week, and today said this in passing:

T: what'd you do this weekend?
Me: not a whole lot; relaxed, laid out
T: laid out? naked or clothed?

I burst out laughing. Actually I just laughed writing it. It wasn't an awkward laugh though-- I laugh a lot, so it was more just a characteristic giggle. Then I saw him a little bit later and he proved that he wasn't really kidding about the laying out, because he asked me where I laid out. Like this time, it was just conversational, but it showed me that he was still thinking about it. Oh, T, you are so sexy (*cough*withthreekids*cough*). Oh, my life.

Update on the other two:
K is loving me (modesty is overrated). I haven't been paying him as much attention and it's making him all the more into me.
J was nowhere to be found today. That's not that weird, I'm just hypersensitive because I keep thinking about seeing him. The GF didn't say a word to me today.

another joke, not to be taken seriously.

The subject is in regards to any offhand comments about my overall demeanor.



Not a joke: J is nine years older than me. Think I neglected to mention that. So things with that will certainly blow over but today they were "ehhh". The thing is, I amlost actually cheated. I must really be a bad person or something because I am the worst combination of innocent and knowing what I want without really understanding the repercussions.



Its like I love the attention because I had gotten so used to being looked through instead of at. So now that all of a sudden men are coming out of the woodwork, I don't really know how to deal with it.



I still get a little thrill from remembering the way J acts around me... It sort of makes my day when the single-most attractive but taken-with-three-kids attorney at work goes out of his way for me to notice him so that I'll stop and chat with him... Does that make me a bad person? I'm not sure.



I can be SO smart sometimes. Oh my gosh, on the way home from the store we got in the wrong car and I put my key in it before I saw my actual car parked fifteen feet away! Crazy shit.

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fuck!!

I am a fucking idiot. Fuck I could hardly have done much worse. The boyfriend of the co worker took me out to coffee at lunch and made a serious pass at me... I even went to his (THEIR) house and sat on his couch. Even though nothing happened-- he kind of looked down my shirt but I stopped him-- it SO looks like we hooked up. AND I acted SO guilty because I was so nervous of what I thought people were saying so I told the girlfriend that nothing happened in case rumors spread and now she is more suspicious bc she called him while we were in the house and he didn't pick up. FUCK!!!

Apparently I need to stop being such an attention-craved tease.

Oh my God. I'm adding to this post because I just realized that I CALLED THIS. Read the end of the second-to-last paragraph of yesterday's post.

"moody bitch, come back here"

First: what I ate. Skip it because I know you don't care.
--egg whites
--one string cheese and vegetables
--about 5oz white fish and steamed vegetables
--2/3 piece whole wheat bread with about 1T peanut butter
--about 1 1/2 T almond butter
--medium-sized salad with romaine lettuce, FEW bacon bits, sprinkle mozz cheese, handful-ish mixed nuts (loving the nuts today), raisins, handful or so pita chips (I'm out of croutons), lite ranch dressing
--1/2 cup sugar-free fat-free pudding
--2 sugar-free jellos
--lots of blueberries and grapes

Let's be serious; I could have done a WHOLE lot worse. Probably packed in the calories with all the nuts (they are some calorie-dense sons of bitches, let me tell you), but fuck it. Still could have done worse. At least I stayed away from sugar. Sugar is Evil.

THE GOOD STUFF:

Yes, I now respond to the name "moody bitch". What can I say, I deserve it. Today I am a moody bitch because I more or less threw a temper tantrum today about the fact that K is married. So today, nothing really happened that is easy to write about, but there is only so much that can go down at work. When I walked out of the room for the last time today, I literally expected sparks. I held his gaze just long enough that it was too long to not mean what we both meant it to mean, and the way he stared back let me know exactly what he was thinking about. It was so hot.

On another note, there are lots of others that are sort of in the picture now. Using initials gets way confusing, even to me, but B, 46-year-old attorney who thinks hes badass, definitely has been amping up the come-ons. And there's another guy, S, that apparently has a reputation for "liking the young ones". He didn't acknowledge my existence until... last week? Now he has my lunch (did he always?) and 90% of the time I glance at him, he is staring. Not creepily, though. Well maybe a little bit. Whatever, he's ruggedly hot. He can creepily stare if he wants. Last but not least, E, another attorney that is probably about my age (!!) has been making an effort to get my attention this week and last week. I feel like I have the upper hand with him because I'm not as attracted to him as he is to me. You can just sense these things. But he's still pretty cute and way fun. I kind of hinted at asking myself out today and he looked surprised and happy. So who knows where that could go. Oh one more: the boyfriend. Asked me half-jokingly to take a ride with him in his car at break today. Really, J?? Nevermind that you have a girlfriend that probably just SAW you hit on me. Honestly, I'd give HIM more of a chance of making a real pass at me than K.

Anyway, my hand is falling asleep so I'm going to go, but I have to say that the reason I was so frustrated, and will probably be frustrated again as soon as I come down from my food high, is: WHY is the ONE person I have the most chemistry with, that wants me as much or more as I want him, which is badly, MARRIED?!?! If he weren't married, he would definitely have asked me out with him. Absolutely.

Bed.