why I am a guy... that or an asshole's dream come true

Because posting is so much more fun than studying :)

First of all, I postponed my date with Mark until Wednesday, since I ended up having to lock myself in my room to study for pretty much the entire weekend. I basically had my own little private freak-out session; it was thrilling.

But all this studying, for some reason, only makes me think more about the things that need analyzing in my life. Like, for example, why I am always attracted to older, often times married, men. I sort of decided that it's because at this point in my life, I'm not ready to settle down yet (i.e. get married), and so I don't really see the point in anything serious or faux-serious because what's the point. And I think I've bitched enough to demonstrate that my life is ridiculously busy; I honestly feel like I don't have time for a relationship. Ergo, my attraction to men that are pretty much guaranteed to not want anything more than a fling/ physical connection from me. Basically, I'm a guy. I want the physical aspect without being tied down or being held accountable to anyone. At least at this point in my life. I want the sparks without the ball and chain, so to speak. But no, I do not sleep around. Yes I can have my cake and eat it, too.

four things thing

Four Times Meme:

Instructions: Copy/paste the meme into your blog, type in your answers and tag four people on your lists! Don't forget to change my answers to your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: campus for class, the library, my best friend's apartment, little bagel place/coffeshop.

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: SPAM-- mostly from my school; my advisor (okay, this is getting sad...), my mother, Evan

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, my little bagel/coffeshop, a great sushi place two blocks from me, Chili's (sad, I know)

(D) Four places you'd rather be: in my amazingly comfortable bed, the Bahamas, Italy, anywhere with Tom...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: WEEDS, Friends, Sex and the City... I don't have time for TV? I guess I'll stick to the rules and throw in Grey's Anatomy.

(F) Four people I think will respond: Sass Accidentally Me treespotter The Diva on a Diet

shoot! I don't know how to put links in here... help?

oh, the nerdiness of my school

Overheard on campus:
Guy standing in a group of young-looking girls: well, I think we need to draw up some linear regressions for that.
[Girls giggle loudly]
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dieting + stress = incongruity

I've been having a hard time sticking to my strict diet as of late. I think it's been tough especially becuase I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with my body, although I do still want to lose 10 or 15 more pounds. So I think I'm not making dieting a priority what with my theses (plural), job, plans for a "real" job, and yes, even a social life. Any advice?

Also, an update on Mark: we've been talking more and more, and he's probably coming over on Saturday to watch a movie. Normally, I would put "watch a movie" in quotes as such, but in light of his prior stated religion, I'll leave the quotes out. If you catch my drift. He is adorable though, and I do like him... I can tell he likes me too so it's just fun I guess. I don't really expect anything to come out of it and I'm sure he doesn't either since I'm pretty sure they like to marry into their own kind, if you'll forgive my blatantly ignorant generalization. I feel like I'm writing too intellectually... hopefully all this work I'm doing won't make me lose my ability to write in a way that people can actually read without falling asleep.

Funny side note: Ryan and I were e-mailing back and forth a little bit after I left, and then he just abruptly stopped responding. First he didn't respond to something I had sent, and then maybe two weeks later I sent him a short joking email something like, just checking to make sure you didn't die of boredom. Didn't respond to that. So after two no-responses, I let it go. So then yesterday, I got an email from him with "hey" in the subject... and in the body. That was it. Just "hey" twice. I'm kind of wondering if all of this has to do with his fiance. In which case, she needs to take a chill pill because there is absolutely nothing going on between Ryan and I. We really aren't even that flirty. I mean, I could tell that he was kind of into me, but he didn't seem like the type to ever act on it. How sneaky would that be, though, if it were his fiance writing from his email? So anyway, I just responed, hey back atcha :). Whatever.

On another note, I'm becoming sort of a pothead. I mean not really, but I've probably smoked 6 or 7 times in the last, oh, month and a half. I actually smoked by myself for the first time this week. When I told my brother this, his response was "S, that's not okay." to which I said "you are a hypocrite."

SHIT I have to be somewhere at 4:30. PEACE

just to shake things up a little

tomorrow

instead of waiting I focus on the droplets gathering in the wooden windowpanes,
each one swelling and stretching until it spills over the ledge,
racing, noiseless, down the glass and leaving
a trail of little smudged pieces of itself behind.

instead of waiting I listen to the low rumble of your laugh
when I tease you, inhale the shoulder of your favorite suit, watch
the black dots of your eyes grow heat. It reaches my skin from across the room.
When I look back you’re still there: one arm perched on the railing.

Instead of waiting I scrape my pencil on the thin-lined paper
each word fills a space, each curve of each letter
reminds me and I have to erase each word that isn’t perfect.
My handwriting has never been so neat.

instead of waiting I switch on my closet light
and flip through the clothes, putting things together like an actress
before her wardrobe.
I stand sideways in front of my mirror in that black dress and bright red heels

Instead of waiting I am giving
up coffee in favor of tea. Every morning I wake up
and pour a little less into my mug. I force the stream into its last few drops
and turn on the water to boil.

Instead of waiting I dump everything from my drawers onto my bed.
I try on, sort and toss. Make piles of yes, no, maybe.
Your t-shirt with the faded letters smells like Sunday afternoon.
yes… maybe. No. No's go into a black garbage bag; I’ll throw it out tomorrow.



…but what if you forget me?

i have NO time to write this but...

Mark called! :)

I'm not getting my hopes up on this one though, for the aforementioned reasons, and also because... I guess I don't really have any other reason other than I hate being let down. Who doesn't?

So again, sorry that I suck at posting but I'll tell you this: I'm in the process of writing not one, but TWO theses that will end up being around 90-100 pages each. But, I'm still here, still reading when I can!

i think i like him and that's going to be a problem

So Mormon boy-- Mark-- did call yesterday and we went out on possibly the cutest date ever. Don't laugh, but we went go-carting (possibly the most fun I've had since I last went in the fourth grade), drove to a good place, parked the car and layed on top of it and looked at the stars, and just... talked. No, he didn't kiss me, but we talked about everything, for hours, and it was adorable and he is so sweet and NORMAL. And the best part? He's my age! Oh dear.

this would happen to me

I met a guy today. He got my number and wants to take me out tomorrow. One catch. He's MORMON. How do I know this? He doesn't even go to school here, he goes to BYU.
I was also winked at today by a(n attractive) visiting professor, easily in his forties. I DID NOT flirt with him or provoke him, I swear.
Go ahead, laugh it up. My life is joke.

Also: I have never been so fucking busy in my life, so if I haven't been posting, it's because I have work coming out my my ears. I did the whole "following" thing so I can keep track of you lovelies who I've gotten to know (sort of) on here.
ButI have, easily, four more hours of work to do tonight, and most of that is just getting me caught up to where I was supposed to be at the beginning of this week. Screw you, grad school

nerds and mistaken lesbians

I burst out laughing while browsing the bookstore today. Actually that's a lie, but I should have. It was just too much of a coincidence. Was flipping through a book of creative nonfiction (yes, I am a nerd) and came upon an essay titled "How to Be an Other Woman". Sat down and read the whole essay instead of finding what I had come for. It's actually really good, if a little depressing. Obviously I can't relate to much of it, but the emotions are there and the potential WAS there. Fantastic writing. By Lorrie Moore. Read it.

Something about reading good writing makes me want to write. I've been writing for real a lot more lately, so if the quality of my posts has suffered, it's because I've been too excited about my free verse and essays.

In the real world, my weekend was pretty swell, except that I'm still dreading seeing that guy tomorrow (the one from the bar on Friday). Didn't get hammered, but just drunk enough to have a great time and give even less of a shit than usual. Funny part of Friday: a bunch of horny guys mistook my best friend and I for lesbians at one point. We like to dance with each other sometimes, what can I say? So anyway, that was amusing. Guys: you are too easy and too fun to tease. Good night and leave a comment or two, I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads this anymore. I'm not THAT boring just because I'm back in school.

shoot

Fuck my life this is why I said I wasn't going to drink any more. Went out to bars and spent most of the time at one where I danced with a colleague that it is going to be MOST awkward seeing on Monday. And I'm not (wasn't) even that wasted. It's that whole inhibitions problem. Gets me every time. But, on the bright side, I am hot. Which is a true fact but I'm only saying it because it is the smirnoff speaking. Good night.

Side note: I wish there were no internet creepers on here so I didn't have to be so anonymous. This world is a scary place and that sucks. However, I think this might be my first drunk post. no that's a lie I remember emailing a post from my blackberry one night when I was out. Well this is the first real one. Not an email, but a post from my computer before I pass out. I should stop trying to make sense and admit that I am a drunk mess. bye.

que sopresa

Prof is married. Found out to no credit of mine: his wife called him when I was in his office. Shittyyyyy.
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