Having It

a break from Tom, at least

2009-06-17T22:11:00.000-04:00

At a pre-wedding party, fun and people are friendly. Slightly drunk on 4 beers since all I really need in life is sun and substance. There is a cute guy here who is 24! That is the good news. He is married. That is the bad news.

I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want to be a broken record anymore =(.
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a break from Tom, at least

2009-06-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

I'm getting sick of myself. I don't want to be a broken record anymore =(.
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new beginnings?

2009-06-13T21:19:00.005-04:00

I'm going to Florida tomorrow for-- guess what!-- another wedding, and hopefully some relaxation time too. I'm thinking it'll be good for my psyche, and my unrequited lust for Tom. Ugh, don't want to think about it but I've got to put the options out there for why he would have ignored me, arranged from best to worst. Let me know which you think it is.

1. He couldn't come up with anything clever to say
2. He was distracted
3. He's just not as excited to see me anymore and doesn't think about it one way or the other
4. He subconsciously noticed that I was looking fatter and wasn't as turned on
5. He's no longer into me
6. He's never really been into me

I'm gunning for 1, obviously, but I'm nervous that it's one of the others (Please not four!) and I have a bad feeling that it's 3 =(.

i am pathetic

2009-06-12T13:09:00.001-04:00

He basically ignored me today, and walked out with that bitch from my office, in front of me. I want to cry.
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from The Rules

2009-06-11T23:55:00.002-04:00

Rule #23: Don't Date a Married Man
"We are not big advocates of therapy, but we believe it would be worth $125 an hour to find out why you would do this to yourself."
"Never sit around dreaming about him or you might end up acting on your thoughts."

I'm thinking "Confessions of a Hypocrite" for the title to my book.

three things

2009-06-11T18:27:00.004-04:00

1. I had my underwear on backwards all day today.

2. I am reading Lolita, and Brad saw me reading it and teased me about not finishing books. I said, "I'm going to finish it."
Brad: "Or, we could act it out."
Me: "Except I'm not twelve." I gave him a look.
Brad: "Well, how old was the guy?"
Me: "I don't know, thirty-eight."
Brad: "See? It'd be the same thing."
...and he's at it again. He also asked me to flash him while I was at the front desk. Gooood one.

3. My dad has been passed out drunk since five p.m.

welp,

2009-06-11T00:09:00.004-04:00

My Auntie Rose arrived in town today and I am fairly certain that I am going to die.

In other news, I am a cow. Struggling to understand why it is that I want to go off my diet on days that I get hit on. Ate four granola bars (why?) and a bagel with cream cheese in addition to a cookie from the batch that I found in the freezer and decided to throw in the oven-- no burns this time! What else. Oh a diet fudgsicle and a popsicle. This in addition to dinner. Awesome.

I do have a story about a new potential boy though, who's name is Nate. I used to work as a hostess at a restaurant when I was 16 or 17, and had a huge inappropriate crush (shocking though that may seem) on one of the servers who was like 22 or 23. Well guess who came to my counter to pay a ticket today! I was like, wait-- did you work at Restaurant? And he was like, yeah, years ago... etc etc. Pretty sure he didn't remember me but that's fine, it was just a flirtation that could never be.
BUT now it is totally not inappropriate anymore, and he is still way cute! My boss was around when I was talking (she later told me she thought he was cute) but he did give me his card and it was out of the blue. The thing is, it just has his phone number and website on it, no email address. I don't want to call him-- just on principle, but I also feel like texting is a little juvenille. Maybe I'll just facebook him, bahaha. This does seem to be a recurring theme though; during the school year I reconnected with a past inappropriate flirtation-turned more-appropriate semi-relationship. Not that I'm saying that this would ever be a relationship. Nonono.

Carmex is great.

Remember to ask Tom: can you get a ticket for not having your hands on the steering wheel?

ha

2009-06-10T15:36:00.001-04:00

I have my hair back and am wearing my glasses (forgot to disinfect my contacts, whoops) and one guy gave me his card, the other asked for my number. Maybe the day is looking up.
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this sucks

2009-06-10T10:59:00.001-04:00

I hate my job this summer. The limited way in. which Tom and I are able to interact is NOT enough. I am always flanked by evil bitches who listen to other peoples conversations, and Tom is important and busy and has actual work to do when he comes into the office.

Last summer it was like I was in control bc I ran around and he never knew when he would see me. Now he has all the power and I can't change that. He knows he'll see me whenever he comes into the clerks office (I'm a judicial clerk). Saw him today and said a whole lot of nothing; he mostly talked to the girl behind me about some stupid case from yesterday. At least she's not cute.

I'm feeling very hopeless. I was fantasizing giving him my number before, but I know that I shouldn't. I just don't know what else I can do to get him to make a move. So sad. I even have a date tomorrow and I could care less. All I want is Tom.
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girls are idiots, and other observations

2009-06-09T18:42:00.010-04:00

When I was a freshman in high school, a friend and I snuck out during a sleepover and met up with some sophmore boys. We ended up sneaking into the basement of one of the boys, and as there were three boys and two girls, one of the boys got bullied into "having to go home." Since my friend liked one of the two that were left, I ended up with the other one. We made out and he palmed my butt through my jeans while the other two almost kissed on the other side of the room. Did I even like my guy? Not really. *addendum: I am not and was not a ho.*
At youth group the next week, I saw my boy talking to one of my more backstabbing-inclined girl friends, and wrote him off since he didn't talk to me at all that night. Why did it not occur to me that he was probably talking to her about me? Anyway, I liked the backstabber girl (Jamie)'s boyfriend, so I was otherwise distracted.
On Valentine's day a few weeks later, a bunch of us went out to dinner. The boy I had kissed brought chocolates, but was a little awkward about giving them to me, and I made it infinitely more awkward by not accepting them. After all, I wanted Jamie's boyfriend. So I spent the night flirting with the one who was taken, and the boy shared the chocolate with everyone. We want what we can't have. Period.

If I were to do something with Tom, the motives would be completely mutual. He probably wants to hook up with me to prove to himself that, at 36, he can still get a hot young girl. The thing is, I'm fine with that because I really just want to hook up with him to prove to myself that I can get a hot older guy. I went through enough years of eating disorder and weight gain and a debilitated self-esteem that I sort of feel like being with him would be the final confirmation that: I am okay. I can be myself again.

Unsure as to why I am so smooth in my interactions with Tom. My emotional maturity and level of experience with men dictates that I should blurt out "I HAVE A BLOG ABOUT YOU" when I see him, but somehow, I keep it cool and keep him interested. Instinct, maybe? The female knows how to attract the male so that he wants to bang her, aka procreate? Thoughts?

I think that I am obsessed with image. This occurred to me today when I was driving to work and it was overcast but not super dark or anything, and about half the cars on the road had their lights on. I don't have automatic lights, and deliberated over whether the nicer cars had them on because they had automatic lights or whether there was any correlation. I thought way too much about how having my lights on would make me look. Is this sad? Hint: the answer is YES. And since you're dying to know, yes, I did turn my lights on.

so great!

2009-06-08T23:28:00.003-04:00

Actually I don't have anything that great to share but I'm feeling sort of funny; for some reason the title makes me laugh. Some random thoughts:

--I realized, after examaning my cousin's tattoos this weekend, that I could never ever get a tattoo. I've known this for a while, really BuT the things is, I can't even commit to a nail polish color. What made me think I could ever commit to a tattoo for my Entire Life?
--Watched two television shows tonight and feel somewhat like a vegetable. I think I feel about television the way a lot of people feel about beans. For the most part, you can take them or leave them. It is only on rare occasions that they truly satisfy.

A stranger told me that I was pretty today. "A pretty one," he said. Sure, he was overweight and probably underloved, but he was really just a big sweetie So I took the compliment, sans-creeped-out-aftermath.

Saw Tom again today, which was a nice surprise since I haven't seen him the past few Mondays (one more reason Mondays usually suck). We didn't really get to talk though since I was really busy all day. He did catch my eye and "yell" at me to get back to work. I swear he is fifteen years old. Maybe that's why I like him (I am secretly thirteen). Oh, Tom. You are so fantastic.

Great word alert: "welp." It's lodged itself in my head, and it's quite funny to say to yourself our out loud in appropriate situations. For example:
In an uncomfortable dinner-date: Welp, I'd better get home, I have to be up early for work tomorrow.
When speaking to your grandfather: Welp, I suppose I'll become a freelance artist, or a car mechanic.
That's all I've got.

the one left at home

2009-06-06T20:24:00.000-04:00

My little brother didn't come to the wedding, and my father said, "you know he'll be having a big party tonight." I wonder if when I don't come to things they say "you know she'll be eating the contents of the refrigerator tonight."
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hold me, hold me 'cause I wanna get higher and higher

2009-06-05T23:11:00.001-04:00

$y younger cousin is getting married tomorrow. I feel old(?). But I'm not old at all-- she is very young. Should be fun though, tonight is fun. Love family, love weddings. This one is very laid back. They seem happy so that should be enough, I suppose. I just think its a little unnecessary since they're both still in college, but who am I to say.

I sound bitter and I'm not at all. Just need to remind myself that I needn't marry anytime in the near future; I am still young and in no hurry!
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My mom just said "for shizzle."

2009-06-04T23:18:00.000-04:00

I said, never say "for shizzle" again.
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so funny

2009-06-04T22:15:00.001-04:00

omg!

2009-06-04T20:47:00.005-04:00

I'm back! And I have some good news, and some good news.
1. I am writing a book. YAY
2. Now, it is all about TOM. Remember him from last summer? I do. Sexiest man alive? Probably not. Does that make a difference? Not in the slightest.

I'm working at the same place but doing some different things so the context in which I see people is much much different. Now I am working mostly with defendants so the attorneys that I see are not as plentiful, but that's okay since I still see the most important one ;).

This is a tad random but I'm a little torn since I started writing in a "real" journal and I do still want to keep that up, but this is too much fun, and when I went back to read the past stuff for material for my book, I had to share the new lovely updates on my life. So, I suppose I'll have to think on that a little.

I've seen Tom quite a bit since I've been back for the summer, but only one real conversation. But that conversation was quite telling since one of the first things he said (after asking me how my school was-- he remembered where I went!) was, "You've been thinking about me all the time?" and naturally since I have no control over what comes out of my mouth when I am around him, I just grinned and said, "Yep." Honestly, my voice is its own entity. I just tag along behind it and hope I can patch up the damage. We went on to have probably the longest conversation that we've ever had (read: less than five minutes) and in that conversation, he brought up how he was, loosely quoting here, "working a lot, gotta make the money" or something. I realized that he's brought up money at least twice, and that isn't really normal. Maybe he's trying to impress me with his important lawyer-ness? I don't know. I should probably find it tacky, but let's be serious, I really just want him and a little bit of tacky isn't going to get in the way.

Another time, Tom made a genuine effort to talk to me-- something he hasn't really done before since we always just crossed paths coincidentally-- but it was sort of perfect because I was busy helping defendants and by the time I was free, someone came to relieve me for break. Let's call it "accidental hard-to-get." So great.

Also: cute, young (my age!! this never happens!) guy came in and was joke-complaining about the money he had to pay. He said, I could be taking you out on a date with that." I am hot. Well, getting there. Too bad I came home and snacked through dinner. It wasn't really a binge-- I think I am just tired of bingeing to be honest. It's almost like I no longer have the will to committ to my eating disorder anymore. Which sounds so messed-up, I suppose because it is? In any case, peanut m&ms, two granola bars, chocolate-covered graham crackers and a pital with jelly is not such a fantastic dinner. At least now I'm done, I guess. I really need to not be so lazy and just cook. We'll see how that works out.

Have missed you all! Hopefully everyone hasn't written me off for not writing in about nine years!

Have also decided that this summer, things are happening. I am too tired of NOTHING coming of ANY of my semi-relationships. Shit is going down. Buckle your seatbelts.

let's play catch-up

2009-01-28T17:46:00.002-05:00

I suppose it was pretty ridiculous of me to post that long ass entry and not give any real explanation as to my life these past few months. I wish there were more to tell, however, but I said a lot of it even in my inebriated state.

As for Mark, it ultimately came down to a difference in beliefs. He was VERY strongly into his religion, and for him it was actually even more than a religion; it was a whole culture. While we were definitely able to connect on an intellectual and even emotional level, his upbringing led him to feel guilty for even thinking about sleeping with me, which made the relaonship hard for both of us since there was such a physical attraction. And even though he said he didn't judge me for the decisions I made (drinking, swearing once in a while, etc), it created a tension between us that may have only been in my head but I just had this underlying feeling that somehow he thought I wasn't good enough for him... well, no... but that's the only way I know of saying it. So all in all, we sat down and had a mature discussion that I knew was coming, and claimed to want to both stay friends which I knew wouldn't be likely, and I've talked to him twice since we ended things a little less than a month ago.

That being said, I don't regret being with him; I still think he is a fantastic human being, but I am sure that he will find a girl that shares his beliefs and make her very happy someday. And by someday I mean soon, since he is definitely on that track. IF you know what I mean.

Since then, I've started talking to an ex (not really an ex because we never REALLY dated, but whatever) of mine that I hadn't kept in touch with over the last few years... he is only six years my senior, and that's more okay now that we're both a little older. We were hanging out when I was just a little young for it to be considered OK. His name is Brian. He's not near me at school, but we've been talking on the phone a lot since he randomly sent me this pretty intense text along the lines of, "I know this is random and you might not want to even talk to me but I'm scared that you might be the best thing to happen to me." I'm a little scared that maybe I shouldn't have responded because he seems to be falling for me all over again, and I'm not ready to be serious with anyone right now. Yikes.

Oh I should also say that the stuff about Tom was true; actually everything I wrote was true, including my attraction for Tom... I don't know if I said this, but it's definitely still there. Or it was when I saw him last month.

Whoops, gotta go eat! Have a great week, everyone =)

guess what / (added this later when still of the same mind) SORRY!!!

2009-01-24T02:30:00.005-05:00

I'm hammered. Mark and I are DONEZO. That sucked but it was done about a month ago and i hven't been on here in maybe 4 months.

went back to work over christmas and got hit on by hot man again... i think i called him Tom? let's be serious those names were fake. so he said some really fantastic things and i'm determined to be able to type them even if it takes me 40 mins.

Me: so you missed me?
Tom: (dead serious) yeah, I dreamed about you day and night, don't tell my wife.
Me: [what else?] laughed
later
Tom: so you exceited to go back?
Me: yeah, you know me... (sarcastic sort of)
Tom: oh you're gonna be at the bars... dancing naked on the tables?
[something to that extent I am trulry more wasted than I have been all year (It's January 23rd I think so that's a pretty long year so far) but please forgive me. This is probably the worst I've been since I wrote this shit in the summer.

BY THE WAY: please tell me why hot older men LOVE ME. I DON'T GET IT. honestly. they want me and they are fucking old and not accptable well sometimes they are but still why can't I find a nice unmarried grad student who is not 40+ and married?1//1/!/1/ I swear I'm hot and normal and actually quite funny. Shit this post is a mess GOOD THING you don't know who I am in real life shitttt son.

WOW I missed this stuff. LOVE YOU ALL. Sorry For being such a mess/ waste of life. I really do love yo uall that read me. Honestly. If there are any of you left.

WAIT I NEED TO ADD:
I was going to make a post but I decided to figure out all over again how to rough it and edit a post. I look like Audrey Hepburn! Well not really look like but I "remind" THREE PEOPLE of her. not one, not two, but THREE people. And only one of them was a woman. I'll go ahead and presume that as a good thing. But the thing Is, I am classy. And a bit of a ditz. But smart, honestly (I mean I'm in grad school and went to a damn good undergrad) and pretty? and brunette. and not QUITE sure of what I want from life but it seems pretty determined to figure that out all on its own.

ENOUGH. I might possibly be gettting drunker and that is a BAD thing. SEE YA please comment I mean it's only been 8 1>2 years since i've posted I have no idea if anyone cares about my messed up life!

i am dumb

2008-10-03T23:08:00.004-04:00

True Life: I'm Dating a Mormon. Called Mark him tonight, about forty-five mins ago. He didn't answer and I just finished this huuuge assignment so I needed to relax, so I took a hit. So I'm rolling along nicely, grooving to some quality music, and he calls back. Can I answer? No. Why? He thinks I am an angel. It's probably not a good sign that he doesn't know an entire side of me (that does NOT go along with his morals). I haven't lied-- I promise-- but I also haven't told him that I go out to bars, I occasionally get drunk, and I am recently becoming a stoner in my spare time.

It's just that, when I'm with him, I'm SO myself in all the other ways. So it's not like I'm faking anything... he likes the good in me. I just wish I knew he would accept the bad. And that he wasn't Mormon. Oh well, guaranteed not to get too serious! ...I should love that, right?

why I am a guy... that or an asshole's dream come true

2008-09-30T00:45:00.005-04:00

Because posting is so much more fun than studying :)

First of all, I postponed my date with Mark until Wednesday, since I ended up having to lock myself in my room to study for pretty much the entire weekend. I basically had my own little private freak-out session; it was thrilling.

But all this studying, for some reason, only makes me think more about the things that need analyzing in my life. Like, for example, why I am always attracted to older, often times married, men. I sort of decided that it's because at this point in my life, I'm not ready to settle down yet (i.e. get married), and so I don't really see the point in anything serious or faux-serious because what's the point. And I think I've bitched enough to demonstrate that my life is ridiculously busy; I honestly feel like I don't have time for a relationship. Ergo, my attraction to men that are pretty much guaranteed to not want anything more than a fling/ physical connection from me. Basically, I'm a guy. I want the physical aspect without being tied down or being held accountable to anyone. At least at this point in my life. I want the sparks without the ball and chain, so to speak. But no, I do not sleep around. Yes I can have my cake and eat it, too.

four things thing

2008-09-30T00:21:00.004-04:00

Four Times Meme:

Instructions: Copy/paste the meme into your blog, type in your answers and tag four people on your lists! Don't forget to change my answers to your own.

(A) Four places I go over and over: campus for class, the library, my best friend's apartment, little bagel place/coffeshop.

(B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: SPAM-- mostly from my school; my advisor (okay, this is getting sad...), my mother, Evan

(C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, my little bagel/coffeshop, a great sushi place two blocks from me, Chili's (sad, I know)

(D) Four places you'd rather be: in my amazingly comfortable bed, the Bahamas, Italy, anywhere with Tom...

(E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: WEEDS, Friends, Sex and the City... I don't have time for TV? I guess I'll stick to the rules and throw in Grey's Anatomy.

(F) Four people I think will respond: Sass Accidentally Me treespotter The Diva on a Diet

shoot! I don't know how to put links in here... help?

oh, the nerdiness of my school

2008-09-25T19:25:00.001-04:00

Overheard on campus:
Guy standing in a group of young-looking girls: well, I think we need to draw up some linear regressions for that.
[Girls giggle loudly]
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dieting + stress = incongruity

2008-09-25T15:26:00.003-04:00

I've been having a hard time sticking to my strict diet as of late. I think it's been tough especially becuase I'm at a point where I'm pretty happy with my body, although I do still want to lose 10 or 15 more pounds. So I think I'm not making dieting a priority what with my theses (plural), job, plans for a "real" job, and yes, even a social life. Any advice?

Also, an update on Mark: we've been talking more and more, and he's probably coming over on Saturday to watch a movie. Normally, I would put "watch a movie" in quotes as such, but in light of his prior stated religion, I'll leave the quotes out. If you catch my drift. He is adorable though, and I do like him... I can tell he likes me too so it's just fun I guess. I don't really expect anything to come out of it and I'm sure he doesn't either since I'm pretty sure they like to marry into their own kind, if you'll forgive my blatantly ignorant generalization. I feel like I'm writing too intellectually... hopefully all this work I'm doing won't make me lose my ability to write in a way that people can actually read without falling asleep.

Funny side note: Ryan and I were e-mailing back and forth a little bit after I left, and then he just abruptly stopped responding. First he didn't respond to something I had sent, and then maybe two weeks later I sent him a short joking email something like, just checking to make sure you didn't die of boredom. Didn't respond to that. So after two no-responses, I let it go. So then yesterday, I got an email from him with "hey" in the subject... and in the body. That was it. Just "hey" twice. I'm kind of wondering if all of this has to do with his fiance. In which case, she needs to take a chill pill because there is absolutely nothing going on between Ryan and I. We really aren't even that flirty. I mean, I could tell that he was kind of into me, but he didn't seem like the type to ever act on it. How sneaky would that be, though, if it were his fiance writing from his email? So anyway, I just responed, hey back atcha :). Whatever.

On another note, I'm becoming sort of a pothead. I mean not really, but I've probably smoked 6 or 7 times in the last, oh, month and a half. I actually smoked by myself for the first time this week. When I told my brother this, his response was "S, that's not okay." to which I said "you are a hypocrite."

SHIT I have to be somewhere at 4:30. PEACE

just to shake things up a little

2008-09-20T20:53:00.005-04:00

tomorrow

instead of waiting I focus on the droplets gathering in the wooden windowpanes,
each one swelling and stretching until it spills over the ledge,
racing, noiseless, down the glass and leaving
a trail of little smudged pieces of itself behind.

instead of waiting I listen to the low rumble of your laugh
when I tease you, inhale the shoulder of your favorite suit, watch
the black dots of your eyes grow heat. It reaches my skin from across the room.
When I look back you’re still there: one arm perched on the railing.

Instead of waiting I scrape my pencil on the thin-lined paper
each word fills a space, each curve of each letter
reminds me and I have to erase each word that isn’t perfect.
My handwriting has never been so neat.

instead of waiting I switch on my closet light
and flip through the clothes, putting things together like an actress
before her wardrobe.
I stand sideways in front of my mirror in that black dress and bright red heels

Instead of waiting I am giving
up coffee in favor of tea. Every morning I wake up
and pour a little less into my mug. I force the stream into its last few drops
and turn on the water to boil.

Instead of waiting I dump everything from my drawers onto my bed.
I try on, sort and toss. Make piles of yes, no, maybe.
Your t-shirt with the faded letters smells like Sunday afternoon.
yes… maybe. No. No's go into a black garbage bag; I’ll throw it out tomorrow.

…but what if you forget me?

i have NO time to write this but...

2008-09-15T19:24:00.002-04:00

Mark called! :)

I'm not getting my hopes up on this one though, for the aforementioned reasons, and also because... I guess I don't really have any other reason other than I hate being let down. Who doesn't?

So again, sorry that I suck at posting but I'll tell you this: I'm in the process of writing not one, but TWO theses that will end up being around 90-100 pages each. But, I'm still here, still reading when I can!

i think i like him and that's going to be a problem

2008-09-11T14:28:00.005-04:00

So Mormon boy-- Mark-- did call yesterday and we went out on possibly the cutest date ever. Don't laugh, but we went go-carting (possibly the most fun I've had since I last went in the fourth grade), drove to a good place, parked the car and layed on top of it and looked at the stars, and just... talked. No, he didn't kiss me, but we talked about everything, for hours, and it was adorable and he is so sweet and NORMAL. And the best part? He's my age! Oh dear.

this would happen to me

2008-09-09T23:56:00.005-04:00

I met a guy today. He got my number and wants to take me out tomorrow. One catch. He's MORMON. How do I know this? He doesn't even go to school here, he goes to BYU.
I was also winked at today by a(n attractive) visiting professor, easily in his forties. I DID NOT flirt with him or provoke him, I swear.
Go ahead, laugh it up. My life is joke.

Also: I have never been so fucking busy in my life, so if I haven't been posting, it's because I have work coming out my my ears. I did the whole "following" thing so I can keep track of you lovelies who I've gotten to know (sort of) on here.
ButI have, easily, four more hours of work to do tonight, and most of that is just getting me caught up to where I was supposed to be at the beginning of this week. Screw you, grad school

nerds and mistaken lesbians

2008-09-07T21:30:00.005-04:00

I burst out laughing while browsing the bookstore today. Actually that's a lie, but I should have. It was just too much of a coincidence. Was flipping through a book of creative nonfiction (yes, I am a nerd) and came upon an essay titled "How to Be an Other Woman". Sat down and read the whole essay instead of finding what I had come for. It's actually really good, if a little depressing. Obviously I can't relate to much of it, but the emotions are there and the potential WAS there. Fantastic writing. By Lorrie Moore. Read it.

Something about reading good writing makes me want to write. I've been writing for real a lot more lately, so if the quality of my posts has suffered, it's because I've been too excited about my free verse and essays.

In the real world, my weekend was pretty swell, except that I'm still dreading seeing that guy tomorrow (the one from the bar on Friday). Didn't get hammered, but just drunk enough to have a great time and give even less of a shit than usual. Funny part of Friday: a bunch of horny guys mistook my best friend and I for lesbians at one point. We like to dance with each other sometimes, what can I say? So anyway, that was amusing. Guys: you are too easy and too fun to tease. Good night and leave a comment or two, I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads this anymore. I'm not THAT boring just because I'm back in school.

shoot

2008-09-06T02:58:00.004-04:00

Fuck my life this is why I said I wasn't going to drink any more. Went out to bars and spent most of the time at one where I danced with a colleague that it is going to be MOST awkward seeing on Monday. And I'm not (wasn't) even that wasted. It's that whole inhibitions problem. Gets me every time. But, on the bright side, I am hot. Which is a true fact but I'm only saying it because it is the smirnoff speaking. Good night.

Side note: I wish there were no internet creepers on here so I didn't have to be so anonymous. This world is a scary place and that sucks. However, I think this might be my first drunk post. no that's a lie I remember emailing a post from my blackberry one night when I was out. Well this is the first real one. Not an email, but a post from my computer before I pass out. I should stop trying to make sense and admit that I am a drunk mess. bye.

que sopresa

2008-09-05T14:31:00.001-04:00

Prof is married. Found out to no credit of mine: his wife called him when I was in his office. Shittyyyyy.
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summary of my weekend in quotes

2008-08-31T20:31:00.008-04:00

***my name is S***

Thursday
guy: Where's your drink?
me: I have five classes tomorrow.
guy: Wow. (pause) Why?

Friday
best friend: We should get sex changes. We could be the best guys at [name of my school].
--
roommate: Why do all older men hit on you?

Saturday:
best friend: (disoriented and drunk) I thought I was looking for something...
me: Your dignity?
--
me: Jeff, can I borrow your phone? My purse is locked in Nick's room.
guy friend: (walking by and shaking head) S...
---
(I am in the hall talking to two guys that have been hitting on me the past few weeks and two girls come out of a room)
guy 1: S, have you met my girlfriend?
guy 2: S, have you met my girlfriend?

Sunday:
guy roommate: We need to help [other roommate]. She's too nice.
me: I'm not.
(silence... then laughing)
guy roommate: We need to help her be more like S.
--
Tom Cruise: sometimes you just need to say 'what the fuck' and make your move

let's take a vote

2008-08-30T14:49:00.003-04:00

Who thinks Prof is taken and who thinks he is single? I'll find a way to figure it out within the week.

Also, hit on by a DILF while buying books today. Let the record show that I was wearing no makeup, a tee shirt and shorts. Anyway, he was with his (granted, adorable) 3-year-old, but seeing how he was at a university bookstore, he had to have a kid at least somewhat close to my age. Weird though, I would have pegged him at 38.

I find this unsurprising on both counts: the hitting-on and my incorrect age-estimating.

So tell me what you think about Prof. Prizes for the winning voters.

my life seems to have grown significantly less exciting.

2008-08-29T14:55:00.002-04:00

Stopped by Prof's office today armed with a shameless excuse of a question on subject matter, but he wasn't there. I tend to just assume people are going to be where I want them to be, when I want them there. It doesn't always work out so well for me, but such is the life of spontaneity.

Not worth giving him a name yet, but there's a cute guy in one of my classes that started chatting me up today. This is a plus because the professor seems to really love the sound of his own voice significantly more than the students do. One funny thing I realized today: I love parentheses so much that I found myself using them in my thoughts. Like, my thoughts wouldn't have sounded as good out loud as they would have on paper. This, my friends, is why I write.

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i'm just going to have to come out and say it

2008-08-27T10:14:00.002-04:00

I'm in school. Hence, the leaving and coming back and all that. I'm a grad student actually. Believe it or not, I study and get pretty fantastic grades in between all of my obsessions over men. So, with that said, I sort of met someone... one of my professors is very attractive and seems to think the same of me. Let's call him Prof.
I would have a hot professor.
Jury's still out on whether or not he's married or otherwise involved. I'm trying to learn to pick up on the signs of that, and not really succeeding. He doesn't wear a ring though, but that may or may not mean anything. So, we'll see where that goes. I should really find someone that is a) single and b) not in a position of authority/working with me.

So other than my new interest, I don't have a whole lot to write about. I've just been mad busy starting up classes, setting up interviews, working, going out, furnishing my apartment, all that. I did realize something about partying though; it seems like the older I get, the less of a desire I have to party party. Lately when I've been seeing the undergrads all out stumbling around, dressed to the nines and generally being obnoxiously drunk, I've just been realizing how ridiculous I must have looked at that age (and let's be serious, at this age sometimes). I'd much rather have my few friends that I go out with, hit a few bars, and meet new people that I'm able to remember the next day. And I'd so much rather smoke (not cigarettes) than drink. Maybe I'm just one of those people who's more, let's say predisposed, to smoke. A lot of people are surprised that I'd rather smoke though, since I'm so NOT the stereotypical pothead. Even when I smoke, I don't just sit there like, duhhhh... You know what I mean? Great because I know just what I mean :).

Right so I'm off to go be productive.

too much

2008-08-24T18:24:00.004-04:00

Soo, the good/bad thing about hardly drinking for the past few months is that when you do drink again, you get way more drunk, way more quickly. Especially if you've hardly eaten that day. I only had like 4 or 5 beers over the course of the night last night, but somehow I ended up completely shitfaced. Then I made the genius decision to take two monster hits.
Let's just say I didn't make it home until 10 this morning. Didn't make any bad life decisions though, other than getting obliterated. Luckily I didn't get a headache today though, just a sick stomach. Managed to drag my ass outside and go for a half hour jog, which felt sort of refreshing until I stopped.

I wanted to briefly say something that bugs me. When and why did "curvy" become a euphemism for "fat"? It's really annoying to those of us who actually are curvy. Take me for example. I have big boobs that are just wider than my hips, a narrow waist, and hips. I essentially have an hourglass shape. So WHY do I have to be lumped into a category with fat girls? Not only does that annoy me because I can't refer to myself the way that I actually am without inducing negative connotations, but when you substitute the word "fat" for the word "curvy", you are subtly saying that being curvy is an undesirable thing. Um, it's NOT! I love my boobs. I love my ass. I love my skinny waist.
Dear media,
Stop trying to tell me to hate the parts of me that make me feel sexy.

packing blows

2008-08-21T23:04:00.008-04:00

I need to not buy any more white lacy tank tops. I discovered that I have twelve of them.

almost

2008-08-21T01:02:00.004-04:00

He flaked. So DAMN close, too. It took me like fifteen minutes to explain to my friend (I do have one or two girl friends, after all) how lunch and much more ALMOST happened, because it was just so... words are escaping me.

I guess I'll say that he must have just wanted me to push him into it, and I was only willing to go so far. I brought it up, he said maybe. I reminded him I was taking lunch at 12, he said he couldn't get off until a little later. I was walking away at around lunch time, he asked where I was going. Repeatedly. I said I didn't know/ didn't have anywhere to go, he stared at me with that damn glint in his eyes and waited for me to tell him to meet me somewhere. I guess I should have, but I'm not a freaking slut for heaven's sake. I mean, give a freaking inch once in a while. I know you want me, just make the damn move. Times like these, I could almost prefer women to men. No, not that way you bastards. But you should know how much I dislike my own kind, so that's saying something. To all you men out there like Ken: please, for the love of God, get some nerve.

On the bright side, Evan gave me his email address and asked if I was mad at him... flirted a lot. He's so great to be around. Anyway, he wants to keep in touch while I'm away, and I'll be back for a while in December so it's sort of promising that he offered that. Also got a hilarious homemade going away "card" from this guy I've recently started flirting with-- yet another one, I kid you not. He's Ryan. Hot but not necessarily my type, kind of guido-ish. Also, I'm 90% sure he just got engaged. Surprised? Me neither. And a random guy that came into the office gave me his phone number. Actually, he yelled it across the office. Apparently that should have embarrassed me. I thought it was hilarious. Plus he wasn't altogether bad looking. Not that I even wrote down his number, much less have plans to call him, but I'll take a compliment any day. Unless it's backhanded. Hate those.

Didn't see Tom today. That SUCKED. I think I was maybe more disappointed that I didn't see Tom than I was about not going to lunch with Ken. Part of me is afraid that this is going to be a pattern, since Tom is more attractive than Ken. I really hope I don't turn into one of those people that is always looking out for something (or someone) better. But honestly at this point, while I am really attracted to both, I think more about Tom. I think about Tom, I think about him the way he thinks about me... I think about the way he thinks about me... why is my timing SO TERRIBLE! Right, need to calm down, there will be beautiful men where I'm going. I've seen them, I know. This post is too long. Bye.

fingers crossed...

2008-08-19T22:36:00.004-04:00

If you are reading this, cross your fingers now. . . ok thanks. I figure I can use all the help I can get. Maybe even say a little prayer for me, since I've been wanting this the WHOLE FREAKING SUMMER. So. Today. Flirting with Ken.

Me: so when are you taking me out to lunch?
Ken: not today (frustrated), we have blah blah blah and blah to finish.
Me: aww, you know tomorrow's my last day...
Ken: I know (sad face but glint in the eye)
[smoldering glances]
Me: (over shoulder as I walk away) well, think about it.
[later in the day, I run into him unexpectedly]
Me: hey, you
Ken: hey, Having It Girl (fumbles with papers a little) ...when are you breaking for lunch tomorrow?
Me: around noon. (I get legitimately distracted by someone else for a minute, then tap him with my papers to get his attention) so... noon. (I walk away)

Think it'll actually happen? I mean, I'm afraid he'll flake out on lunch altogether. *cough*Tom*cough*. Speaking of Tom, I didn't even see his sexy ass today. bitch. I did see him yesterday though, and i hate to say it, but I'm even more attracted to Tom than I am to Ken. Not to mention the fact that Tom pictures me naked when he sees me. I mean let's be serious, he may as well come out and tell me what he's thinking. When I saw him yesterday, though, he didn't make any outright come-ons, and he also didn't say anything about flaking last Thursday. It really sucks that I'm leaving.

the men: indexed

2008-08-17T17:53:00.014-04:00

B is Brad -- co-worker that is considerably older than me, but maintains the badass attitude and player reputation.

E is Evan -- sweet, closer to my own age, expresses interest in me but fails to make a definite move. I eventually find out that he is actually 17 years my senior. bummer.

J is Jason -- oh, Jason. great chemistry. has girlfriend that I work with on daily basis. partner of my almost-indiscretion that incites much office gossip. Added later: what I thought was "chemistry" was actually my own "vanity."

K is Ken -- my first real flirtation since getting back into shape. married. lots of chemistry.

M is Mike -- worked with closely a few times. married with a daughter that is almost my age. still, lots of chemistry. called me beautiful twice.

R is Ray -- still much older, but younger than Brad. single. more recent development and not quite so much chemistry, but still fun.

Ryan -- shit, there are two R's now. Is it bad that I only realized that as I was adding Ryan to the list? hot but not really my type, fun flirtation that I'll stay in touch with despite leaving.

S is Steve -- hardly deserves to be mentioned in here because he is such a minor character in my life. "likes the young ones". semi-creepy, but keeps to himself and mostly just stares.

T is Tom -- save the best for last. married with kids. most attractive man I see on a daily basis. friends-with-everyone type. did I mention sexy? makes "naked" comments.

cavities: the new hottest turn-on?

2008-08-16T18:05:00.005-04:00

This post will be short because I'm impatient and I have a shit ton of stuff to do.
So apparently I have a new hot dentist? He must have just joined the practice. However: TALK about an awkward way to meet a guy. So there he is, digging around through my FIRST EVER cavity. Can't really be thinking about how much he'd like to make out with that, now can he? Somehow he still flirted with me though. He had the whole suave guy thing down pat, winking and all. When he first came over and sat down by my chair, he reached down and kind of tenderly brushed a hair away from my face even though it was so not in the way. Would have been sweeter if he weren't married. Do all married men manage to fit their wives into all conversations with younger women that they flirt with? I mean really. Oh one more thing. Apparently laying out is like this sexy thing to men. When he came in to see me, he grinned at me and asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I said, laying out today, and he kind of fumbled his words before spitting out something about hoping that I wear enough... sunscreen.

I'll be posting a... what's it called... thing where you list characters or whatnot for reference? Well I'll be posting one of those so you (and I...) can keep all of my men straight. Anyway it should be up later today or tomorrow.

oh, the frustration

2008-08-15T00:54:00.008-04:00

I am leaving my job in a week. (but I need more time with my men!) Oh well it's probably for the better. Who knows what would happen, especially in light of recent incidents with Tom, and today with Evan.

Not sure if I've mentioned Evan before but he's been sort of a conundrum because he is the one who has probably expressed the most interest, without being overtly sexual, or, get this, taken! Wow, who knew single guys liked me?! So anyway the conundrum lies in the fact that he hasn't made a real move in the past few weeks, despite paying attention to me, dropping numerous hints of interest, etc. The logical step would have been to get my number. So he told me straight up today that he's been holding back because of my leaving so soon, and more or less said that he didn't want to start anything because he knew I'd be going at the end of the summer. He also said that he thought I thought he was a lot younger than he was... turns out he's a mere 17 years older than me. Yeah that was a shock to me; I had him pegged at 8 years younger than he is. which would make him 9 years older, which isn't such a big deal.

Also, lunch with Tom isn't happening. Barely saw him today, and when I did see him, there were other people around and we didn't talk much. I do think it's probably telling that he didn't bring it up around other people though. I mean, if it were platonic, he could have just said, "hey S, we still on for lunch tomorrow?" or even, "I don't think I'm going to be able to make lunch tomorrow". No big deal, right? Well apparently he had more than lunch in mind, whether or not he was planning on acting on those thoughts. So my weekend is looking depressingly free. This, my friends, is what they call Sexual Frustration. *sigh*

needing some insight

2008-08-13T19:13:00.005-04:00

I've been sitting on hold with a credit card company for 13:42, so I'm listening to the lovely music on speakerphone as I write.

There's so much I want to say that I don't even know where to start. Got it. T. Got to chat with him today and yesterday. Yesterday he made another comment about me being naked (remember the laying out convo?). This time he was teasing me about having naked pictures online (I DO NOT have any such thing, nor will I ever-- this was a JOKING conversation). The funniest thing is that, practically in the same breath, he weaved the word "wife" into the conversation. Very casually, as in, "my wife has friends that live there blah blah. Weird!! He is a strange agent, T. So then today, didn't think I was even going to see him, but got to briefly. I asked him what he thought about my couple extra earrings, since I wanted another opinion after the debate I had with the other guy last week. Dialogue was more or less as follows:

Me: What, if anything, does this (pulling hair behind my ear so he can see my 2 little earrings) make you think of me?
T: (pondering) what if anything... (looks at me with a glint in his eyes) That you're easy.
Me: Really? Come on, be serious, I'm in an ongoing debate about this.
T: No, I don't know...
[later in the day, still on same subject]
T: So you're just about the ear then, huh? Nothing else?
Me: Yep! Well and my belly button. (T gives me a look) I was 15 and thought I was badass!
T: See? What next, nipples?
Me: Never! Never in a million years
T: see if you got that, then I would look, and then tell you what I thought...
Me: (laugh, rolled my eyes) of course you would.

Wow, also need to say that I JUST spoke to the credit card person. Anyway though, what the heck!? You would honestly think that I dressed like a total floozy by the way guys react to me at work. Well, no, but these guys have balls! Seriously who says stuff like that? Also, I put B in his place today. He's been really intense with the inappropriate comments since he found out that I got a brazillian wax (how the HELL did he find that out?! I hate the girls I work with...). So I was finally like, ok, chill with that.

I think K is on vacation because this is three days that I haven't seen him, and I've been around all his usual haunts. Bummer. Oh well, I suppose now that I've got a new married guy to lust after, I can't be TOO upset. Ass update: still hurts like a bitch. Going to have a bruise the size of Texas, but at least the parts that got cut up are starting to scab over. Probably going to have lunch with T on Friday and definitely seeing him tomorrow to talk about Friday so obviously I'll be back for an update.

has anyone seen my coordination?

2008-08-11T22:46:00.007-04:00

I have a raspberry on my ASS.
While rollerblading today, I was sashaying on my merry way past three guys. I looked up, gave them my cool "hi" smile, then took a stride or two.
As soon as my foot touched down on the branch, I was a goner. Wobble, wobble, CRASH. Somehow I managed to fall on my knee AND my backside. Anyway, I sort of ended up in the sitting position, but I just laid down on my back for a second and felt sorry for myself. When I sat up to brush off my pride-- I mean knees, I was composed.
The guys were actually really nice. They ran out to help me, made sure I was ok, my ipod wasn't broken, joked around with me. I made light of it. One of them sort of tried to hit on me (really? you think this is a good time?), commenting something facetious about how "I was covering up so well".
This clumsiness really needs to stop.

Work was ehh today. Didn't get to see K (where is he this time?) and barely saw T or my new fave dude who said I was beautiful twice. On the bright side, I got a lot of compliments today. I looked pretty great if I do say so myself. Gotta go ice my ass (I wish I were kidding). Peace out home fries.

lazy sunday (wake up in the late afternoon...)

2008-08-10T19:35:00.005-04:00

Today made me feel like all I need in life is a cloudless sky and an empty stomach.

Laid out from like 10 to 2-- prime sun hours, obviously, and didn't eat until around 3-ish when I figured I probably needed to eat at some point. Really though, it's almost crazy how much better I feel when I haven't eaten yet. Note: I am NOT anorexic. At all. I'm pretty thrilled about how that whole thing is going though, because I got this hot new black pencil skirt, thinking it was a size 8, but realized when I got home that it's really a 6! Guess who's down another size, ladies and gentlemen?

I also want to point out that I deserve some major props for not drinking in, well, FOREVER. I came to the realization that alcohol is not only empty calories, but it tends to be a bad influence on my behavior. If you think I'm an idiot sober, you should see me hammered. Especially in light of recent developments on the men front, I am quite proud of my newfound sobriety. We'll see how long it lasts.

I'm pretty excited to see K tomorrow, since I haven't really gotten to talk to him in a while. Oh my gosh, I forgot to even say the exciting thing that happened friday with my older flirtation that may or may not have a name on here. (later note: Ray) He's the one whose friend said I have a beautiful face. So anyway, he asked me to join him for lunch on Friday! I couldn't because I had to be in court (for work-- I'm not THAT badass), but the point is that he asked me, and it was really not such a big deal! So I've decided to step it up and either go to lunch with him if he asks again, or maybe even just "man up" (as my brother would say) and ask K to get lunch. No big deal. Oooh and hopefully I'll see T again too ;). I love men!

Shit I haven't worked out yet today... I'll have to fit in at least a short run before I do my weekly outfit-picking ordeal. Adieu!

Side note: how creepy are those site tracker things?! The ones that display your town on the pages that you visit. CREEPERS! That's all.

i'm beautiful!

2008-08-08T20:49:00.001-04:00

I was told that THREE times today. Three times, by two different people, before noon! Great day, great day. I don't need to go into detail because details are so often unnecessary and boring, but the guy who said it twice was the one that I was working closely with for the first time today, M, and we had gotten into this debate about my few extra ear piercings and image. The point was, at one point in the argument, he was describing me as smart, classy, etc, to say that the earrings were conflicting with that, and he said "you're a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl." Just like that, with the emphasis on beautiful.

Then the other time, R was trying to get me to show him my drivers license picture (he'd been giving me a hard time about it before since I wouldn't show it-- I'm fatter in it; no man needs to see that shit) and the other guy, his friend that I sort of am friendly with, said, "why do you need to see a picture when you have this beautiful face right here?"

What a day!

why pretty people are disliked

2008-08-08T18:21:00.002-04:00

People consciously or subconsciously hold people that are attractive up to a higher standard. Their actions are scrutinized more closely; for example, not being friendly makes you uppity or conceited while being too friendly makes you fake. People are more critical of you because they want to prove to themselves that nobody can "have it all".

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my weakness

2008-08-07T19:01:00.002-04:00

Deep down, I am lonely.

my life is a joke

2008-08-06T18:44:00.005-04:00

Or a soap opera. Saw J today, several times. I could tell he was trying to keep it under wraps around the GF and because of all of the drama surrounding him and I, but he did say hi the one time he came close enough to say hi, and every other time I saw him, he checked me out up and down. I think he doesn't even realize how obvious he is with the up-and-downing. Like he thinks that if only his eyes move, no one will notice.

Also, another much older flirtation (I've forgotten if I've given him a title-- I confuse myself with all my lettered men)--Ray-- asked me how old I was in a manner that suggested that he knew he was too old for me, but just had to know for sure. It's interesting to note which types of men go how far in their flirtations with a younger, attractive (I told you, modesty is overrated) woman. I think it's really a confidence thing with the men. Hell, with ALL of us. But with men, it seems like it takes a lot of confidence to be able to hit on a woman that they think is out of their league, and if the woman is attractive, being younger only makes her more out of their league. Hopefully that made sense.

A realization I had can be best summarized by a warning.
DANGER! BEWARE THESE WORDS:
"whatever"/ "whatever you want"
"I don't care!"
The only explanation I'm going to give for why these phrases are dangerous is that I used them both several times when I went out with J last Thursday.

she said it best

2008-08-04T21:23:00.002-04:00

"Flirt in moderation. Be careful of sexual joking because its never really a joke.". --sheri argov

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introducing t

2008-08-04T18:38:00.007-04:00

Am I wearing a sign that says "married? taken? hit on me!" Really. It's getting kind of ridiculous. So T is the attorney I mentioned once (twice?), the one who is absolutely the most attractive one that I see on a daily basis. Just started talking to me like last week, and today said this in passing:

T: what'd you do this weekend?
Me: not a whole lot; relaxed, laid out
T: laid out? naked or clothed?

I burst out laughing. Actually I just laughed writing it. It wasn't an awkward laugh though-- I laugh a lot, so it was more just a characteristic giggle. Then I saw him a little bit later and he proved that he wasn't really kidding about the laying out, because he asked me where I laid out. Like this time, it was just conversational, but it showed me that he was still thinking about it. Oh, T, you are so sexy (*cough*withthreekids*cough*). Oh, my life.

Update on the other two:
K is loving me (modesty is overrated). I haven't been paying him as much attention and it's making him all the more into me.
J was nowhere to be found today. That's not that weird, I'm just hypersensitive because I keep thinking about seeing him. The GF didn't say a word to me today.

pre-bedtime runs aren't the smartest

2008-08-04T00:41:00.001-04:00

Now I am too awake and I have to be up early in the morning. Ew I feel old saying that.

So I wanted to give a brief K update since I've neglected that story line due to the whole J scandal. He's still hot, he still flirts dangerously with me, but nothing really further. Other than his eyes being super-glued to me on thursday (guess that was some outfit, huh? In case you forgot, thursday was the J incident). I didn't see K on friday because of weird summer schedules that have been making it less likely for me to see him this past week and apparently this upcoming week too. Bummer.

So we'll see what happens with J and K tomorrow. You know I'll update as soon as something exciting (or semi-interesting) happens.

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laying low

2008-08-02T23:24:00.004-04:00

It may be a Saturday night, but I figured it was probably best for me to stay in and lay low for the night, given the ridiculous things that have been happening to me this past week. I still can hardly believe this stuff is happening to ME of all people. Me, who hasn't gotten a second glance from guys for longer than I'd care to mention. Me, who is all of a sudden this attractive girl who doesn't know what to do with her sex appeal (wait, there are consequences for having that??). Maturity is about to smack me in the face and I don't know how I feel about it.

Actually, the weird thing is, I've always been mature. I guess I'm just not mature in the one way that's seeming to dominate my life at this point in time. Oh well, at least I can't complain that my life is boring.

I've made this brilliant observation and now I have to share it

2008-08-02T00:54:00.002-04:00

Hypothetical:
When a person is high, they have an inaccurate experience of the time/ space continuum. Because of this, it is far more difficult for the person to explain what happened when sober, or also to explain the body's actual physical reaction to events because time and space were not perceived correctly at the time of the occurrence of said events.

Hm. I'm not sure if I explained that rationally. I'll have to check tomorrow. It is a good thing that I can't un-post things from this phone because now I'll have a way to see things from a different frame of mind, at another time. Eyes are blurring gotta go.

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another joke, not to be taken seriously.

2008-08-02T00:44:00.003-04:00

The subject is in regards to any offhand comments about my overall demeanor.

Not a joke: J is nine years older than me. Think I neglected to mention that. So things with that will certainly blow over but today they were "ehhh". The thing is, I amlost actually cheated. I must really be a bad person or something because I am the worst combination of innocent and knowing what I want without really understanding the repercussions.

Its like I love the attention because I had gotten so used to being looked through instead of at. So now that all of a sudden men are coming out of the woodwork, I don't really know how to deal with it.

I still get a little thrill from remembering the way J acts around me... It sort of makes my day when the single-most attractive but taken-with-three-kids attorney at work goes out of his way for me to notice him so that I'll stop and chat with him... Does that make me a bad person? I'm not sure.

I can be SO smart sometimes. Oh my gosh, on the way home from the store we got in the wrong car and I put my key in it before I saw my actual car parked fifteen feet away! Crazy shit.

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fuck!!

2008-07-31T15:59:00.004-04:00

I am a fucking idiot. Fuck I could hardly have done much worse. The boyfriend of the co worker took me out to coffee at lunch and made a serious pass at me... I even went to his (THEIR) house and sat on his couch. Even though nothing happened-- he kind of looked down my shirt but I stopped him-- it SO looks like we hooked up. AND I acted SO guilty because I was so nervous of what I thought people were saying so I told the girlfriend that nothing happened in case rumors spread and now she is more suspicious bc she called him while we were in the house and he didn't pick up. FUCK!!!

Apparently I need to stop being such an attention-craved tease.

Oh my God. I'm adding to this post because I just realized that I CALLED THIS. Read the end of the second-to-last paragraph of yesterday's post.

"moody bitch, come back here"

2008-07-30T00:46:00.006-04:00

First: what I ate. Skip it because I know you don't care.
--egg whites
--one string cheese and vegetables
--about 5oz white fish and steamed vegetables
--2/3 piece whole wheat bread with about 1T peanut butter
--about 1 1/2 T almond butter
--medium-sized salad with romaine lettuce, FEW bacon bits, sprinkle mozz cheese, handful-ish mixed nuts (loving the nuts today), raisins, handful or so pita chips (I'm out of croutons), lite ranch dressing
--1/2 cup sugar-free fat-free pudding
--2 sugar-free jellos
--lots of blueberries and grapes

Let's be serious; I could have done a WHOLE lot worse. Probably packed in the calories with all the nuts (they are some calorie-dense sons of bitches, let me tell you), but fuck it. Still could have done worse. At least I stayed away from sugar. Sugar is Evil.

THE GOOD STUFF:

Yes, I now respond to the name "moody bitch". What can I say, I deserve it. Today I am a moody bitch because I more or less threw a temper tantrum today about the fact that K is married. So today, nothing really happened that is easy to write about, but there is only so much that can go down at work. When I walked out of the room for the last time today, I literally expected sparks. I held his gaze just long enough that it was too long to not mean what we both meant it to mean, and the way he stared back let me know exactly what he was thinking about. It was so hot.

On another note, there are lots of others that are sort of in the picture now. Using initials gets way confusing, even to me, but B, 46-year-old attorney who thinks hes badass, definitely has been amping up the come-ons. And there's another guy, S, that apparently has a reputation for "liking the young ones". He didn't acknowledge my existence until... last week? Now he has my lunch (did he always?) and 90% of the time I glance at him, he is staring. Not creepily, though. Well maybe a little bit. Whatever, he's ruggedly hot. He can creepily stare if he wants. Last but not least, E, another attorney that is probably about my age (!!) has been making an effort to get my attention this week and last week. I feel like I have the upper hand with him because I'm not as attracted to him as he is to me. You can just sense these things. But he's still pretty cute and way fun. I kind of hinted at asking myself out today and he looked surprised and happy. So who knows where that could go. Oh one more: the boyfriend. Asked me half-jokingly to take a ride with him in his car at break today. Really, J?? Nevermind that you have a girlfriend that probably just SAW you hit on me. Honestly, I'd give HIM more of a chance of making a real pass at me than K.

Anyway, my hand is falling asleep so I'm going to go, but I have to say that the reason I was so frustrated, and will probably be frustrated again as soon as I come down from my food high, is: WHY is the ONE person I have the most chemistry with, that wants me as much or more as I want him, which is badly, MARRIED?!?! If he weren't married, he would definitely have asked me out with him. Absolutely.

Bed.

k is back

2008-07-28T22:21:00.004-04:00

Only got to see him twice though. while the day didn't exactly go how I planned, it probably ended up perfect because now he should just want to see me more than ever. When he did see me, once I walked past because he was with two other people (but I knew he saw me), then I passed him on the way out of a courtroom and just said "hey" and smiled as I walked past. he said, "hey, Having It Girl" and then called after me, "I know you missed me last week". I just turned and laughed as I kept walking. Didn't see him again after that. Even aside from K, today was a good day. I would write more but my nails are still wet and I haven't royally messed them up yet so I'm not going to press my luck. Painting one's nails takes way more patience than I possess.

know your role and shut your mouth*

2008-07-26T15:44:00.007-04:00

*credits given to "The Rock", WWF wrestler of my brother's childhood admiration

While laying out today I remembered this little tidbit of knowledge that I acquired in the sixth grade, and wanted to share it.

This had been proving his love for me in the typical sixth grade way: singling me out in an end-of-school mud fight, pushing me, shoving me, teasing me. I thought he was cute. We "went out". This consisted of talking on the phone and carrying his school picture in my wallet. So eventually, as tends to happen to relationships of that kind, things went sour after a few weeks. I suspected that some of my popular "friends" had told him something nasty about me out of jealousy. I can tell you from experience, it's lonely at the top. So I was really annoyed, and during our argument on AOL instant messenger, I said something along the lines of, "don't worry about it, I think I just liked the attention anyway". In my mind, this wasn't SUCH a terrible thing to say. It was honest, and I was kind of proud of myself for being smart enough to figure that out. It was like I was getting over the relationship and making a personal discovery, all rolled into one. His reaction? Not so warm. To him, this made me a selfish, cold-hearted b**** because it was as though I had said I never liked him in the first place, and let's face it, he was pretty much right.

Moral of the story: girls think they need to say everything. They think that the answer to all problems is to TALK about it.

WRONG!

That needed it's own paragraph because it is so, so, so wrong. Both in romantic and platonic relationships, we often make the mistake of thinking that once we talk things out, confront the person, or just get things off our chests, everything will fall into place. In reality, some-- if not most-- of the time, it just leaves people feeling hurt and resentful. Also, it's not always a good thing to be smart. By that I mean that smart people tend to think things to death. It really doesn't matter WHY he broke up with you; he did it for a reason, and it's not up to you to figure him out. If he wants to come back, he will of his own accord, not because you figured it out and plotted the perfect move to get him back.

So just keep your mouth shut and think about other things. :)

hahahaha

2008-07-24T20:43:00.003-04:00

My brother just took 25 minutes trying to put the gas thing in the cradle. Seriously I am trippppping whoa. Don't know where we are going but I need to not talk to anyone I might say something that I shouldn't. Need to stop trying to type. The buttons are so freaking small, shit.
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Afterthought: I wasn't actually tripping. I have two vices, alcohol and that other thing that you smoke but isn't cigarettes or cigars.

judge me

2008-07-24T18:35:00.006-04:00

It's Thursday, so I'm going to consider it Friday.

Work has been a little more fun these past few days since I've made a new friend. She likes me (she really likes me!) and tells me all the crap that she hears floating around the office and we laugh about it since we both could care less. Let me tell you, you work in an office long enough with people like the ones I work with, and the talking-behind-backs starts to get to you. So, it's nice to have someone to joke around with and NOT talk about other people. Also, in K's absence, there are 2 1/2 guys I've been enjoying talking to. The half is kind of an ass so he didn't really deserve to be completely counted. It's funny because one of them, R, always calls me "trouble" and gives me a hard time like that. The funny part comes in because I think sometimes people perceive me as completely different than I am... for the past however-many years, I've been a total home body. I hid out, basically. So maybe it's the fact that I'm just starting to be happy with myself that's making me seem so outgoing (making me BE so outgoing, I suppose) and fun. I think I can venture that I seem fun from the way people act around me.

I'm kind of tired of writing about K, since the important thing and the reason I want to write is much less concerned with him and much more concerned with the changes I'm going through and the observations I make along the way. With that said, I need to say that NOTHING HAS HAPPENED between us. I AM human, however and therefore subject to the same facets of human nature as everyone else, including desire. So go ahead and judge me-- just keep in mind that it is far easier to judge a stranger than to try to understand where they're coming from. That's all-- naptime! :)

allow me to explain

2008-07-22T22:49:00.004-04:00

My pinky nail is still black. I swear it's gotten more disgusting every day since I slammed it in a door at work like 2 weeks ago. Gross.
On the bright side, I made an appointment for my first ever brazilian bikini wax today. I'm stoked.

Since I'm a lazy ass today, I thought I'd waste some more time and talk about my favorite subject as of late-- K. The realist in me tells me that worst [best?] case scenario, he just wants sex and best [worst?] case scenario, he's just having fun flirting and doesn't want or expect anything more.
Here's what I do know: He checks me out every time he sees me. He flirts with me and tries to be near me as much as possible. He is married. We work together. We aren't ever alone at work [that SUCKS]. He is fucking gorgeous. What I don't know: What he wants from me. If he is willing to cross that line. What he considers crossing the line. How old he is.

I'm guessing what he wants is complicated. The KING of cop-out words. Screw complicated! I know what I want! I want him to take me out, pretend his wife doesn't exist, and have some fun! No sex though; TALK about complicating things. He just has to kiss me so that he can see that it's really not complicated at all. He is beautiful, I am hot and on my way to beautiful, we have amazing chemistry! That's it!

See how much easier it is when you're dealing with a smart girl? ;)

what i eat

2008-07-22T21:15:00.003-04:00

every day:
Breakfast: plain scrambled egg in pan with olive or coconut oil
Lunch: bell peppers and cheese
Dinner: lean meat or fish and vegetables--usually sauteed

came up with this while brushing my teeth

2008-07-22T01:32:00.008-04:00

It is sung (cheerily) to the tune of "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family". If you don't know the Barney song, you don't deserve to live. No but really, if you don't know it, you spent your childhood in a cave.

I want K,
K wants me,
It sucks that he is married!
With a great big ring,
And the longing for a kiss--
Swear I'm not a home-wrecking bitch!

I'll be signing off on the copyright any day now.

shitty fucking day

2008-07-21T21:26:00.002-04:00

really.

the sun never sets on a badass

2008-07-20T16:18:00.006-04:00

My ipod is frozen. And I thought only computers were supposed to freeze?!

Last night was a shit show... hilarious. I don't really feel like writing all about it but I will say that we went to a place where the wait staff are assholes to you, and everyone just throws things at you and there was live music and karaoke (let's not talk about that last one). Like I said, shit show. Our waiter was hilarious though, and kept picking on me, instead of my thinner and gorgeous friends. We got lots of cute pictures that you'll just have to imagine, thanks to our lovely society that breeds far too many internet creepers. At some point in the night we decided it'd be fun to ride around in a super stretch limo, too. Bad ass.

One annoying part of the night: girls are bitches. Actually, one of my best friends is a bitch. I don't really have to go into detail, but I've known she was a bitch since we became best friends, and sometimes it bugs me more than others. Still, fantastic night overall.

K won't be at work this week, but he told me it'll only be one week this time :). Whatever, there are plenty of hot attorneys to look good for anyway. But let's be serious, I'll save my best man-catching outfits for next week.

i think my perfume is making me lightheaded

2008-07-19T17:06:00.004-04:00

I got ready to go out way too early. Going downtown tonight to celebrate.... wait for it.... my BIRTHDAY! The actual date wasn't today but it kind of creeps me out to say my birthday on here.

I wish I had some really deep thoughts to share, but in addition to getting ready too early, I put on a little too much perfume. It smells fantastic though-- Lacoste Inspiration. Good stuff, in slightly smaller quantities. Oh there is one thing I want to say. I was reminded last night of an incident that happened a while back. I have a friend/acquaintance who makes the age-old mistake combination of drinking way too much and wearing far too little. On top of that, she acts in a fashion that tells guys that they can do what they want if she just has a little more to drink.

Getting to the point. we were all at a house party, everyone was drinking, and she was shacked up in a room with a guy that we all knew. People thought the match was an odd one (he's more the socially awkward, funny guy in the group), but laughed and thought nothing of it. Come to find out, she had been passed out when he came into the room... in the cab on the way home, she kept insisting that she didn't remember. Denial? The point that I'm making is, girls have to be careful no matter who they're with or where they are. It's not sexist. It's fact. Especially when drinking large quantities of alcohol, around other people who are doing the same.

Everything turned out okay. But who's to blame? No one will really know the whole story. Did she tell him to meet her in the room, or did he even do it? Girls: don't be a drunk mess. Guys: don't be a sleazy asshole.

Happy Saturday!

friday

2008-07-18T23:34:00.003-04:00

I need to stop lusting after my married man. You know you need to get a hobby when you are out at night and not only lusting, but emailong a blog entry about it. Shit.
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wanting more

2008-07-18T16:22:00.004-04:00

GOD he's sexy. K, that is. He walked by at lunch without seeing us, and L (coworker) started going on about how hot and great he is. No lies, he is way gorgeous. SO flirty today. I almost can't believe he really wants me that badly-- I mean I still have at least two sizes to go before I'm truly happy with my body.

He's just gotten a lot more forward. Like he touches me any chance he gets; pushes up against me, nudges me, stands in my way. And the way he LOOKS at me. Ahhhh it is all just too fun. From the way he acted today... I don't know if maybe he'll ask me out sooner or later after all. Back to work. Love my life.

why men like younger girls

2008-07-18T00:50:00.004-04:00

When women get older, they tend to say to themselves, "I'm too mature to play games", or, "we've both been around the block a few times, there's no need to play around" or things like that. They forget that men don't change just because the women become jaded. Younger girls still know that it's all about the chase. It's not just that they appear more youthful, it's that they act more youthful. They flirt. They are hard to get because they are young and beautiful-- and if they're not beautiful, they act like it and therefore are.

grief, compulsivity and a healthy dose of introspection

2008-07-17T21:00:00.006-04:00

I feel like my life is one of those pinball machines right now, and instead of one metal ball there's like seven pinging around and knocking things down and going in every direction. I'll try to summarize, I guess.

I want to first say a few things about the strange creature that is grief. My parents put my childhood best friend to sleep today. My very first initial reaction was something like shock; I think I almost laughed. Then I sobbed and had that pit-of-the-chest pain at the realization that my DOG was GONE. Is gone. I laid down and tried to nap and wanted to be left alone immediately, but I could hardly even close my eyes much less sleep. Now this may have been due largely to the four cups of coffee I've taken to having in the morning, but I also think it says a little bit about my character. I got up and decided that they should start looking for a new puppy, and focused my attention at the new task. It was like, once I had that initial breakdown, I had dealt with reality, and I wanted to move forward as wholly and quickly as possible. At dinner, when I realized that I truly was not sad about the loss of my doggy, I started to wonder if there was something a little wrong with me, but I've given some thought to it and reminded myself that my entire life I have been extremely empathetic (as a child, I would cry when I saw a dead animal in the road) and compassionate, and certainly I have had plenty of emotion to go around. I think it's just that I did know it was coming, and I had actually thought earlier today about talking to my parents about finally putting him down. He's been really sick for the last few months; these past few weeks have been increasingly painful, even for us to watch. He could hardly get up once he was lying down.

What I'm getting from all of this is that different people really do react differently to grief. While I admittedly ate more than usual before dinner, I was still probably under 1000 calories for the day, and after dinner I went on another long grueling bike ride, followed by a 30 or 40 minute rollerblade session (take that, over-expensive gym membership that I can't afford). I actually just got back from rollerblading and I feel amazing.

I mentioned yesterday that I used to be a compulsive eater. I've realized that, perhaps due to my past pattern of destructive eating, I do have compulsive tendencies in other aspects of my life. Like the way I worked out for about an hour to an hour and a half because I ate some extra almonds, a banana, and had a big salad instead of plain fish and vegetables for dinner.

I feel the need to help you understand the full significance of my compulsivity so I'll help you out here by drawing up a picture of how I probably would have reacted to doggy's death a few years ago: once I got over my initial grief, I would have started munching in much the same way I actually did today. I had a few almonds, and realized how truly hungry dieting has made me become. However, in the past, instead of eating a banana and sitting down to relax and re-hinge my jaws, I would just keep eating. And eating. And EATING. I do not exaggerate when I say that I would eat 5,000 calories or more within the span of a few hours. Keep in mind, I am 5'2" and should be eating around 1,300 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. Writing all this down reminds me of how far I really have come. It's been years since I started eating like that, and a few years since I felt that emptiness that I thought only food could fill. Still, I don't think I will ever REALLY understand what made me do it. And trust me, I've spend a LOT of time trying to figure out why I would intentionally fuck up a (nearly) perfect life.

Shit I'm rambling. I guess I don't have a whole lot more to say, other than the fact that I do still feel a tad bit guilty for eating that extra stuff at dinner-- a tribute to my old guilt from the not-so-golden-days. Oh, also, K is sexy. I didn't get up the balls to ask him to eat lunch with me today but he did flirt a lot with me. The best part was when I was standing close to him he came up behind me and like pushed against me with his arm. It's shockingly difficult to explain these little things that feel like such a big deal at the time. Anyway, if the first time he brushed up against me was accidentally-on-purpose, this time it was on purpose-on purpose, like a cute way of saying hey. I pushed back. It was cute. I've pretty much accepted that nothing will happen though. So don't get your hopes up, my dutiful non-existent audience. Life is still good though. Also, I have lost a full three sizes. Hoping to be down five sizes in total by the time fall rolls around.

better (and thinner)

2008-07-17T11:10:00.002-04:00

Life is good again. Oh, how I love mood swings. I'm outside on break and it is seriously 300 degrees out.

Went for a 40 minute bike ride and ten minute walk last night after eating egg beaters, a piece of cheese and red peppers and tilapia and broccoli the whole day. Oh and a few spoon fulls of sugar-free fat-free pudding.

I used to be a compulsive eater. That's how I got fat in the first place and put myself in the position of having to lose a shit ton of weight to look good again. Just throwing that out there. Peace.

(mood)swinging

2008-07-16T16:54:00.003-04:00

CRABBY! Raise your hand if you've been pissed, and known you shouldn't be so pissed, and that makes you even more pissed.

Someone should write a book on how to seduce a married man. I would read it. Unfortunately something tells me it wouldn't quite make the bestseller list.

ugh

2008-07-16T16:15:00.003-04:00

I really need to stop obsessing. He's fucking married. Married. I've noticed that he really doesn't try to hide the ring either. Maybe he even makes it obvious on purpose. But I don't know what the motivation would be there because the flirting is more from him than me so its not like he's somehow trying to tell me to back off.

UGHHH I am also way too upset about him leaving for a while (how long??? It would have taken too much intelligence to ask that) next week. And about his not making a move or some semblance of one.

I am way out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't even know what to do if he WEREN'T married. Wtf do I do now that I know he is? I really just want to kiss him.... Ok well... I wouldn't have sex with him. Absolutely not. Fuck! This sucks but its so great at the same time. Why is he so sexy?? (And old... And married... Fuck!)

Fuck my life. I need a new one.

my feet are crying

2008-07-15T19:19:00.002-04:00

I could do three things right now:
1. go to the mall and return a shirt
2. go for a run
3. make dinner.
I need to do at least one of the three, but my feet are fucking screaming at me from those damn red wedges that looked so cute with my black and white outfit today. SHIT, son, I need some asprin. Then let's face it, probably a nap.

hypocrisy continued

2008-07-15T18:56:00.004-04:00

After chilling in the bathroom for far too long I I anticipated the awkwardness when I came out of the bathroom after like 20 minutes. SO continuing where I left off.

B said something to me about how he was never going to get laid again since he couldn't get the fake wedding ring off, and I was like: or more than ever, depending on what kind of girls you're looking for. Despite the fact that we had touched on this idea earlier when other people were around,
B: well, what would you do?
Me: what do you think? (as in, what do you take me for)
B: I don't know
Me: i'm too classy for that... i don't mess with married guys.
So THAT is why I am almost a hypocrite. Also let me say that B has been shamelessly flirting with me the past few days. I probably shouldn't enjoy it as much as I do (B is pretty cute and the player/badass attitude makes up for what he lacks) since he's 46 and I am definitely NOT 46.

I kind of want to make a new post but I won't. Today was a great day for many reasons.
1. K accidentally-on-purpose brushed up against me.
1.1 K is definitely definitely attracted to me.
1.2 He is beautiful.
2. Supervisor introduced me to a judge today and I had a long conversation with him.
2.1 He has done everything in law-- prosecution, defense, judge, some type of clerking and was willing to share his experiences with me.
2.2. He treated me like I am pretty and going places in life. i.e: now I am smart AND pretty.
2.3 He then introduced me to the chief judge who was also very friendly and open.
3. B more or less hit on me.
4. I managed to keep my red wedges on all day despite major blisterage toward the end.
5. I got mad exercise going up and down those escalators (I walk) and the halls from courtroom to courtroom
6. I am great.

i am a hypocrite, almost

2008-07-15T14:51:00.004-04:00

First of all I have to commend myself for sneakily bringing my purse to the bathroom since I'm at work and we're not allowed to have phones. The thing is, no one can stop me because I can always say I had feminine products in my purse. That's probably what people think anyway. Or I could say makeup. Whatever. On with my real point.

Bis an attorney (hahah someone came in here and I had to pretend to be chilling in my stall. Ew.). So I see B all the time but he recently just started talking to me. Surprise surprise-- I just went down like 2 pant sizes. Anyway he was wearing a wedding ring to appear more credible to the jury and I was giving him shit for it, and Kate (coworker) said he should wear it to bars and start hitting on girls. He said something to me later in the conversation after the other people left about never getting laid again because the ring was stuck on --- I have to finish this story later its taking way too long.

to anyone in authority: this is just a joke

2008-07-14T23:12:00.003-04:00

Didn't know what to put for the subject... Also I love my brother. Even though I may hate him sometimes, he comes through. I may or may not be toasted and that's hard to convey through text so I just came out and said it. Hope the police can't somehow track me down and I'm not being paranoid, I probably shouldn't write illegal things in here. OH I just thought up a good subject. Also note how correct my typing is-- that is conscientiousness, ladies and gentlemen. Holy crap that's a long word. Bye.

ok, SO he's married

2008-07-14T16:24:00.004-04:00

Things could be worse. I asked him how much he's missed me and he said, "a lot... I couldn't sleep at night.". Obviously he said it in a flirty way, like to show that he was kidding-- mostly. Then I had to leave and I told him that I'd be back and he said, "I hope so". SO fun. Married schmarried. Just kidding-- mostly. Ha.

kind of a letdown

2008-07-14T13:22:00.003-04:00

Shit. K, My favorite flirtation is married. I'm 99 percent sure I saw the flash of a wedding ring. That was compounded with the fact that he wasn't quite as friendly today. I'm attributing that to the fact that I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and I'm way hotter than when I last saw him. So I'm thinking he was feeling guilty for being attracted to me, ergo: not as friendly.

handlebars

2008-07-14T11:08:00.002-04:00

On break at work listening to the song handlebars by flobots. Its badass. I like it. I also Iike how hot I look today and how so many guys notice that I look hot. I've lost a ton of weight and I'm gonna keep going until I'm back to a size four. If I'm hot at size ten (yes, I said it. I'm a ten... Ha... Double entendre?), I can't wait to literally stop men in their tracks when I'm a four again.

I was talking to my brother about appearances yesterday. He's all about appearance. He'll tell you its everything. I partially agree. Because I'm pretty, I'll go farther in life. But that's because of the confidence and attitude that go with being pretty. In my opinion its like the icing on the cake... but not really. Maybe its like the outside of a house. Probably a bad analogy because I just came up with it now but think about it: you wouldn't give a second glance to a house with torn siding, but you'd probably be willing to give a beautiful brick house with a curved walkway and pretty yard more of a chance even if the kitchen wasn't as big, or the basement wasn't finished.

Enough analogies. All I'm saying is, the first impression determines a lot about the relationship (personal, professional, whatever), and the first impression and appearance are one and the same. Back to work-- but not before I fix my hair.

correction

2008-07-13T12:12:00.002-04:00

Whoever said pale is the new tan never noticed how much better they looked with a tan.

perfect day

2008-07-13T12:01:00.002-04:00

There is not a cloud in the sky. Its not too hot and I am soaking in the rays because you can never be too tan. Whoever said pale is the new tan was lying.

I love summer.

idea

2008-07-13T01:38:00.001-04:00

Now that I'm getting pretty pretty again I ought to remember how to make the most of it. I think I'll go to the bookstore and see if there's anything on flirting.

first post

2008-07-12T21:29:00.000-04:00

Hey.

I'm sitting on the train on my way home from the City and the guy sitting next to me just got up. He reeked of pot and it made me really want to smoke but that just reminded me that I have no one to smoke with. Which maybe should make me more upset than it does. He also didn't look at me. The whole time, not a glance. He pretended to be busy with his blackberry the entire time. I won't take that as an insult or a compliment to my level of attractiveness. My birthday is imminent and as of yet I have no plans. Thanks, best friends. You really know how to come through in the clutch. I'm not as bitter as I sound. Really. I'll just chill and people watch until my stop is called. Its about twenty seconds later and I'm laughing on the inside because I just saw the manager of the pool I worked at for four summers. I'm able to maintain my amusement only because she didn't see me. It didn't end well.

Debating calling this thing "pretty" instead of "having it". I wanted to put thing in quotes because I can't decide if its a blog or a book or journal or just a piece of shit that no one will read. Keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be the last one. Yesterday when I realized that I have to do SOMEthing with my thoughts, I entertained the idea of a blog but now I'm leaning towards trying to make it into a novel or at least a book. "It" being all the stuff inside my head that pounds against it and makes me cry because I NEED to do something MORE. I'm hoping this will help me figure things out. Also hoping even more so that its interesting to someone besides me and probably my mom. I say probably because she zones out a lot when I try to explain complex things. I think she and I are just not the same brand of smart and that's not meant as an insult. This is a long ass paragraph and I'm making a bunch of typos.